May 21 Updates

 At the end of January, I was very weak. It was when I lost vision moving a water jug, if you recall that. It seems that around that time my financial support ran out; I'd thought I had a few more months, but it looks like I'd perhaps over-estimated the time CERB had been in effect to connect with the 15-week sick pay. I checked my account in April and saw that I had very little money left in my overdraft, and I have not paid rent for May.

Due to my lack of funds, I haven't been able to keep up with getting healthy food/fresh vegetables to keep the sickness at bay. I had been doing rather well, as tired as I was. Though I needed to sleep a lot, I had energy when I was awake and was able to even work out during those times. Some days would be better than others, but my tachycardia had been mostly under control and my insides didn't really hurt. I actually felt good for a while. If I kept it up, I knew that I may just be able to recover enough have it mostly (or completely), to shake off most of the acute chemo crap, and to maybe look for a part-time position. One that could tolerate the longterm damage it did, and acknowledge that I may not be able to work every day.

However, it's been about a month and a half since I've been able to eat fresh vegetables in any notable amount. All I had left was some frozen meats and dry carbs that were easy to store, and things with some sugar in them. Essentially, the opposite of what I'm supposed to be eating in my condition. Over the weeks, my heath has deteriorated again, with pain around the bottom of my ribcage on all sides, as well as slowed and occasionally painful digestion. The fatigue is back and I don't think I have the energy to do more than a few exercise work outs total before I can't anymore and need to stop. My petechiae outbreaks have been slowly increasing, and yesterday the big splotch on my left jaw came back after being absent for a long time. My heart is beating faster and my chest sometimes hurts. The leg that the chemo wrecked the nerves in has been achey and laggy again, too.

For the last few weeks, I have been trying to see if I can at least get rent covered. Roomie prime is a pensioner and no one in the household can really afford much, and I was the main paycheque-breadwinner before all this. It would have been less painful if the move and shitty employment rates hadn't obliterated what I'd managed to save up to 2019. The EI sickness benefit only lasts 15 weeks and as I am unable to work due to illness/injury, I don't meet the qualification criteria for normal EI and so cannot switch. In addition, because I was given support during that time, the program basically tries to claw the money back from you once you hit the limit. There's nothing more that particular department can help me with.

There's a (shitty) department for dealing with low income and unemployment, but I've had previous experience with them and don't have much faith in them. This round has me matched with someone Indian whose native tongue is not English and occasionally has trouble communicating in a way I entirely understand. He told me that EI won't pay out due to the shit I just explained, and for me to straighten things out with them. When I called the EI office, the person there explained the above reasons for no pay very thoroughly, and that no further help can be bargained for, which seemed to be what the Indian guy was implying I should do. Again, low faith.

The EI person directed me to talk to the disability/pensions program, and after giving that department some info they are sending out a 40-page application by mail that I and my doctor will have to fill out, and the processing for that may take weeks. There's a 24-hour emergency line for people in dire straits, but they say outright that they don't help with rent, just stuff like prescriptions and food. That said, my personal doctor (not the onc) did hook me up with a social worker who seems nice, though she doesn't seem particularly optimistic of getting anything decent on such short notice; I'm guessing having to work alongside this shit for a living drives it home in a similar manner as being reliant on it. Maybe she was at some point, who knows. After the long weekend, we are going to look into a longterm disability program, though getting into that can take months if I'm even accepted.

That's about where I'm at. Shame and disgust at my own weakness, situation, and general invalidity aside, I'm going to be doing a long fast again to see if I can kill off what seems to have grown up due to my inability to bring home any income on my own. I have enough bones stored up where I can make broth to safely break it, and I have enough zinc-rich canned seafood for after that, but from that point I'm no longer sure. I grew up poor, so it'd fitting that I end up dying poor and from poverty, as well. The entire cause of this cancer was food poisoning brought on by trying to cut all the corners off of my food bills, so if it comes back in the proper and offs me because I can't afford to shake it off with a half-decent diet, well there you go. Enjoy having another statistic.

No one has stepped up to claim the stream yet, if anyone actually wants to. If you do, just say so and I'll have it handed to you if shit goes more south. That's all.

April 2 Updates

 Got another patch of petechiae on my left jaw yesterday. Today I'm just exhausted; sleeping 13 hours did little to alleviate the fatigue and I wanted to keep sleeping, but duty calls. The spots are fading, but my face seems weirdly swollen. Heart's doing occasionally speed-ups again, so may be time for another fast. That's about it.

March 12 Updates

Been really fucking tired; slept like 20 hours one day and still wanted more. Beyond that, I was feeling pretty okay so I decided to try a quick carb bomb and see how my body took it. Eating carbs still makes my heart rate go back up for a while, just not as bad as before. However, I did start getting itchy around my ears and jawline, a bit more facial swell, a petechiae outbreak along my shoulders, and a random stabbing pain on the right side of my chest that would show up sporadically for a couple days. Whether this is related to ingesting extra carbs or just it's usual bullshit is unclear, so more experimentation is needed.  That this question need be asked should outline for the casual reader just what sort of hijinks my poor body is subject to on a regular basis, regardless of whether an experiment is underway or not.

Feb 26 Updates

This week's been mostly sleeping so there's not much to say here. The petechiae come and go, but in smaller frequency. Skin's pretty dry with invisible dry bumps left over from my foray into dermatitis. I'm attempting to be more active again after my brush with near-death at the beginning of the month, but damn do I want to sleep.

 

As for eating raw shiitake... assuming there's no permanent long-term side effects:

Do I recommend it? No. Would I do it again? No. Was it worth it? Totally, raw shiitake is fuckin' delicious. I had no idea they'd be that great on the palette. The poison definitely adds to the bouquet, and I can understand why humans are so fond of other poisons like caffeine, capsaicin and mint. It hurts so good. Also itchy.

Feb. 19 updates

Feb 13: Changing my shirt greatly eased the itching along my abdomen and brought the redness down a bit, but it's still notably red. Slight itching above ears and on the scalp as it is affected by the back of my neck. Worst area is right shoulder; I'd poked the area and it hurt along the surface, like there was a pimple there. It's been days and the same pain is still present. Moving the skin around and poking seems to confirm that the pain has to do with a tiny ingrown-hair-sized surface bump that I can feel but not see much of (admittedly, partly due to its location). Wiped everything down with apple cider vinegar. There's a breakout of bumps around my right eye, only one of whom I can confirm is a pimple. I miss when these were rare. There's a similar bump on my left hand's middle index knuckle, looking like a bug bite but couldn't be one.

I hope this isn't a resurgence of the lymphoma and is just an unfortunate, reversible consequence of being a day late with my last shower. Things always seem to happen on Saturdays. Makes getting timely information to the few people interested in my status a week-long ordeal.

UPDATE: It is an inflammatory response, and a well-known one that I'd completely forgotten about since it's not an issue that I've had to deal with personally until now. I ate a few raw shiitake mushrooms along with some other fungi in a mixed experiment to help assuage my digestive problems (it worked). Raw shiitake are known to cause some nasty erythematous rashes in band patterns, exactly like the one that's grown on my shoulder and abdomen. It's itchy, kinda painful, and very reddish. Putting pure aloe on it seems to help a bit, as does eating fresh, raw turmeric.

If you ever want to get out of school or work, just eat a few raw shiitake mushrooms, but be aware that you can get the shits or fuck with your mucus membranes if you react badly to it. As much as I hate wine and the smell of it, I really like the similar smell and taste of raw shiitake. It took me 3 full servings to get a rash, so your mileage may vary.

Feb 14: Everything is very itchy, red, and hurts to touch. It's like a normal itch until you actually scratch the area, then (no matter how gently you do it) it feels like it's been rubbed raw with the edge of a huge, sharp blade and feels like you have no layers of skin left. I slept for a ton of time, which brought down the general itch, but didn't stop it from getting redder and spreading all across my upper body, limbs, hands, and face. Nothing quite gets you like red, itchy bumps on your eyelids and within your outer ear canal. It's also spread to my more sensitive areas, so any trips to the local WC are an experience in extreme care. It's added swelling to its repertoire around my shoulders and neck. The right side of my neck in particular has evolved from a small, zit-like contact-pain to a swollen mess that throbs upon contact. I'm not even going to comment on what my face looks like beyond "every disease seems to be determined to make sure it tries to mess with what I look like in some way". It feels like someone glued sandpaper to it from my forehead down. Also it's definitely on my scalp and rather itchy there when touched. The abdominal redness is still the worst overall, and looking at the location it seems to be because of the contact of my pants' waistband with my hips/stomach. It's not tight at all, so perhaps the constant touch/rub of the fabric is keeping it unhappy; I'll try wearing something tighter or switch to a robe. When I press upon the swollen left neck area, I can feel an enlarged lymph node in there. I think it's just a result of the general swelling in the area, so hopefully that goes down. Seems like whenever shtf, my right neck and shoulder are the first areas to get hit.

Feb 15: The intensity of the redness has gone down, but the more uniform pink replacement has spread to nearly everywhere. Most of the discomfort is centered around my hands and just below the belt (not on THAT area specifically, which thankfully only has a minor presence), and unfortunately includes my ass cheeks. You know, for that added primal cavebilly feeling whenever you catch yourself about to unconsciously and futilely scratch your ass. All I can think is that it's a good thing I have no general over-arching compulsion for any variety of fap like certain members of some chats I'm in. This one hentai VN motherfucker would probably shrivel up and blow away if he were in this position, and if he's reading this I fully welcome the ribbing that this indirect mention will result in (fucking fight me you low-T degenerate coward). As it is, it just causes some easily-ignored level of discomfort in the bathroom.

My limbs and right leg in particular are covered in petechiae through this, with the left just kinda... swollen. I've put a binding on it as a precaution, but this seems to be confirmation that this toxic reaction got my poor immune system involved. My fingers are all knobbly and uncomfortable including the fingertips; it's like a more advanced version of the weird allergic reaction I'd get working retail in summer. I can also feel it on my tongue a little. The swelling seems to be going down by quite a bit. Some of the drier bumps are beginning to kind of just... fall off. Spent most of the awake portion of the day organizing files I've been too distracted to touch; freed up about 500GB on my hard drive.

 

Feb 16: Neck no longer painful to touch. That small, initial "zit" pain is still SORTA there but not very strongly. More like an echo as it fades, and I have to dig around to even find it. I can't feel the lymph node on my right neck anymore no matter how much I press, so it seems to have gone down. My face is still a bit swollen and definitely way more dry than it should be. The general pinkness across the body is fading more, nearly absent in all areas except my face and legs (my stomach has faded, but switched to a purplish color instead of pink, kaing it look like scars at a distance). Where my right leg connects to my hip is really uncomfortable, like it needs to be cracked bad, but the cause seems to be a swollen lymph node in that area. These are nodes that are the most frequently swollen, and in come cases permanently enlarged, in regular folk due to all of the bacteria that live around your crotch. Like the nodes on my neck, they don't seem to have enlarged more than what's usual for a healthy swelling. It's around where the worst of the redness terminates from my abdomen downward, so it's likely related to that. Looking around, shiitake toxic reactions can cause lymphatic swelling in people, so my initial "this is temporary" feeling seems to be correct. Let's hope it continues being so.

 

Feb 17: Switching to the softest waistband I have seems to have helped equalize the abdominal area. It looks less like I've been whipped soundly across the contact area and is fading into a more general-area pink. The area around my nose and mouth is still pretty discolored. Heavy moisturizing both makes it feel better and sting like a thousand angry scorpions. The corners of my mouth have the same bruised tone as the other bad areas did, which is weird. Just looks like I had a bad case of acne or something.

Feb 18: Still look like shit, but most of the rash across the body is gone. There's lingering pink spotting, along with a lot of petechiae on my limbs and the middle of my chest, but it no longer feels like I've removed my own skin every time I touch any part of me. I can't feel the lymph node down below anymore, but all along the major channels of my lymphatic system feel sore, all the way up to the back of my head. I've been kind of kneading the neck and shoulders to both keep some of the bullshit down and feel for more swelling.

Feb 19: Still some petechiae on my face, chest, and limbs. There was a deep, under-skin itch that worked its way through my body, starting at my left shoulder and working its way down into my chest and stomach, so I got to play the game "is it Hodgkin's again or is it just lentinan poisoning?" Dry skin on face is dusting off. Had the unique experience of needing to brush my eyebrows with a toothbrush, though the skin wasn't dry in that case. Still getting occasional, random stabbing pains under the ribs and around the abdomen. It doesn't seem connected to any one activity and you can never predict when they'll occur.

EDIT: Nevermind, found the lymph node in my left hip-leg crux again. It's just not swollen to the point of pain anymore. That said, the itching in the middle of my chest over where the biggest tumor was, as well as the ache in my left shoulder joint, don't seem to want to abate.

Feb 12 Updates

 Jan 30: Heartbeat still fast, but at least it's not crazy like before. Fasting truly is a magical thing. Abdomen distended, hoping this isn't ascites or tumors. Possible cancer in Peyer's Patches? Some sort of inflammation, pain in center of abdomen around bladder when pushed. Possible lack of peristalsis, going to attempt to induce through diet and massage.

 Jan 31: Digestive tract simply feels like it's dead, though it's apparently working. Sticking with plan to wake it up. Simply need to encourage the natural muscle function and wave-like contractions that keep things moving in the first place. Hollowing of right side of face completely non-apparent and recovered. Gums still extremely sensitive; anything touching them is like being stabbed in the mouth. Have to chew on left side.

Feb 1: Self-therapy appears to be working consistently. Abdomen still swollen but no longer packed from the inside. Stomach still sometimes hurts when filled but feeling better otherwise. Continuing action and monitoring.

Feb 2: Fuck, it works too well. Go back, captain.

Feb 3: Attempting to equalize, system seems to slowly be recovering.

Feb 4: Digestive tract cannot decide if it wants to stop or go, but at least it's starting to get the message. Random leg swell, not as bad as during chemo but it's there. Tired of waking up with my left arm asleep but it's been that way since chemo. I dunno why, but Sensodyne always hurts my gums before it numbs them. I put some of it on the affected area, wait, feel intense pain, then it goes away enough where I can (very, very gently) rub the area with a soft toothbrush. What the fuck is its problem? Is it because it stimulates the nerves before numbing them?

 Feb 5: Everything cash money, baby. Still trying to identify for certain what the abdominal swelling is and what it's caused by. Some is possibly lymphedema, but the bulk of the swell is from inside the abdominal cavity and is painful when pushed. Semi-consistent pain when pushing center around bladder.  It appears when pushed more often than not, but then it'll just randomly disappear when being examined, with the feeling of gas moving through the intestines. Right gums still sensitive, feels like they're being stabbed if touched with toothbrush bristles, but it's not as intense as during or right after the fast.

Feb 6: Bad, stabbing pains from shoulder, down left side. Sometimes happens in bed, sometimes sitting.  Warn roomie in case it's a heart attack or something, but the positioning isn't correct for that. I think the tendons pushed out of the way in my shoulder by the neck tumor may be slipping back into their previous positions. That feels much more correct, deep in my bones. It's a very unpleasant process and it seems unhappy about it. It's a similar, less intense version of the debilitating pain along my left that I experienced after my first dose of bullshit. My left jugular has been misaligned after the tumors, but it's looking a lot more normal during all of this. Lips weirdly pale.

Feb 7: Pain very bad when it happens. Feels like a layer of small glass shattering along the nerves, pulses, then disappears. Make it a point to sit around other members of the household in case something does go wrong and I need to be rushed somewhere. Neck looks pretty much normal.  Turns out lips weren't pale, it's a layer of dead skin that refuses to dry out. Not sure where it came from, but you can roll off soft bits of it. I think I know what this is now, and I'm not worried anymore. I don't know if it has a name, outside regeneration.

Feb 8: Shoulder seems to have calmed down, digestion is probably as good as it's going to get at this point. Mouth feels weird.

Feb 9: Been removing both soft and dry dead skin from lips all day, the last of it. Pulled swatches of it out of my mouth. It's not because of acidic food or anything, it's just been many years while since I've seen this phenomenon so aggressively in action. Some of the pieces of dead skin are as big as coins. Spike in heartbeat.

Feb 10: Mouth seems to be done shedding, right gums still a little tender because of the new skin but I can brush them directly without any real pain. This was unthinkable just a day or so before, for weeks. The serpent sheds its skin. Abdominal bloat uncomfortable but everything smooth otherwise. Heart still fast.

Feb 11: Heartbeat still high, occasional pain pulse from abdomen. I enjoy being able to brush my teeth. Tired of feeling my pulse all the time again at a higher speed, manage to mentally hijack some nerves for a fun trick and slow it down a bit. Give it a Push. Not sure if it'll permanently take but this is what experiments are for.

Feb 12: Heartbeat still somewhere between after-fast slowness and its recent speed up. Woke up with a pain around center of chest, heart, and left pectoral. After fucking around a bit, seems to still be related to tendon fuckery. Next experiment will be attempts to drain abdominal cavity. Napped before stream, woke with a very vivid petechiae patch on left jaw. Had an itchy area a couple days ago on my right shoulder, now it's also in the middle of my chest, back of my neck, and across my lower abdomen where my pants waist meets skin.

January 29 Updates

 Before fasting:

• heartbeat very hard
• heart rate between 2 and 2.5 beats per second
• noticeable pain in right side around liver, occasional in left, mostly located in hips and abdomen
  
• lots of fatigue, inability to walk or stand for short periods, have to take a break to complete shower
  
• bloating, indigestion, &c.
• joint pain and swelling 
• gums okay
  

 During fast:

• heartbeat very hard, shakes bed consistently
• heart rate between 2.5 and 3 BPS
• oddly magnified side pains, up in some ways, down in others
  
• increased weakness, have to take 3 breaks to complete shower
• decreased bloating but still present
• joint pain absent
• bad gum recession, painful 
• right cheek hollowed, left retaining shape due to insufficient lymphatic drainage
  

After fast:

• sporadic, infrequent spikes in heartbeat strength, harder than normal but mostly unconscious
• heart rate between 1.5 and 2 BPS
• side pains less severe but more consistent, generally does not interfere with activities
• weakness greatly reduced, easy workouts possible
• increased bloating, constipation?
• joint pain mostly absent
• gums recovering 
• cheeks as even as can be hoped for, surprisingly fast recovery in this regard
  

 

Possible causes for abdominal distress:

• tumors/metastasis
• leaky gut?
• nerve damage/poorly-repaired damage from chemo
• intestinal damage from difficulties with first treatment
• long term issues from unnecessary nausea medications during early treatments
• magnesium deficiency?
  
• poorly-recovered gut biome

Abdomen solid but malleable to touch, like a sack of wet clay. Passage within does not feel normal. Skin over top strangely thick and squishy, not fat alone, possible lymphedema; greater swelling in this regard recorded around left eye. Organ pain reduced with use of fasting and concentrated vegetable servings, issues with digestion increased. Current self-experimentation in progress with repopulation of gut bacteria and hyper focus on possible nutritional short-comings.

Now that my notes are out of the way, there's some kind of pill clinical trial in the city. It was supposed to have rolled out last year when I was in treatment, back when I first asked if there were any clinical trials exactly of this sort available. The pandemic stalled it a year. Had it been on time, I may have been able to completely dodge all the bullshit I went through and am still attempting to recover from. As such, I can now join the masses in finally having a personal reason to despise this virus. I don't know if I qualify anymore since I quit treatment rather than it failing, and I'm unsure of it's progress as I only have my own personal bodily and medical experience to go by. I'd be subject to more tests and prodding, and who knows what kinds of side effects with such drugs. It would also mean going back to that horrid, smelly torture pit of despair and shattered dreams.

I've no further use for the location. I've no desire to alternately be ignored and treated as a numbered piece of meat. Let others volunteer themselves to the test table, the clipboards, the endless drip. I succeed or die as myself.

January 19 Updates

I've been avoiding putting anything here, or anywhere for that matter. I just wanted to concentrate on doing my own thing and maybe healing up. My lower digestive system hasn't been the same since my first treatment, and my heart rate still goes up any time something moves on from my stomach. Around my second cycle, there was a small but persistent pain beneath my lower ribs on both sides that never really went away and only got stronger. Nothing showed on the scans, mind.

In December, my heart rate shot up again and has only gotten worse. My resting heart rate, when healthy, used to be pretty low; it could be used to rather dependably measure the passage of seconds, though not exactly. It never really went back to normal after those chemo cycles, but it did slow some. It is now between 2-3 times faster than my original base rate before this farce of a drama. It's beating hard enough to rock my body if I attempt to sit very still. This is not a good sign as, if it's the cancer again, it means my organ systems are being taxed once more.

 My petechiae are back; they'd contented themselves with appearing only sparsely and rarely on an arm or thereabouts, but there's a consistent outbreak in that same spot on my left jaw as before the chemo. My chest also mildly aches from time to time, and my sternum is sensitive and slightly sore to the touch. Some of my hair has grown back, but not a lot and not quite as before. I regularly get small pimples now, which were a rarity before all of this. My insides feel and my face looks as though I've suddenly aged 20 years within a span of only one.

All of my joints are crackling and some of them are painful. The pain in my jaw is back, as are my shoulders, neck, and knees. The topmost digit of my left index finger seems slightly swollen on one side, though solid to the touch; it may be some sort of arthritis brought on by the chemo. That's not uncommon, sadly. Around the hip joints, pain continues on and off depending on its whims, though I know that if I could crack them as I do with my shoulders the pressure would ease. Eating anything results in some rather dour discomfort once it begins digestion in earnest. The pain in my sides is noticeable, though much more pronounced on my right side, particularly when I twist in such a way as to compress the ribs.

I'm concerned this may have spread to my liver, which would be Stage IV cancer, the pain on my left possibly a swollen spleen. I can't feel anything when examining myself, and neither hurt when I push on them. The stabbing pain I get only when contorting myself seems isolated to around the mid-back, connected with the ribs and hip, too odd of a location to be liver infection. Much of the pain seems to radiate from around the hips upward, so I'm hoping it's just that combined with my stubbornly-concrete tendons, which seem to dislike stretching lately.

Currently, I am in the middle of a fast, my first in earnest since treatments were active and I know very well I should have started again sooner. I'm hoping it alleviates some of the problems and, if we may hope, help my immune system to notice something is awry now that it doesn't have bags upon bags of painful poison being pumped through it and killing off all of my useful cells. So far, though my heart rate is variable, it is not as fast nor as strong as it was a few days ago, and most of the discomfort around my intestinal area has quietened down. Despite this, I'm still having to use my experience with older experiments with my heart rate and breathing that originate from a more light-hearted era of health, back when I was delighted to find how easy it was to make yourself overheat and merely used it to keep myself warm when dozing off in a draughty room in winter.

With all of this on the table, I would like anyone interested to come forward in the chat to inherit the channel, if they so wish. They can use it for whatever they like, or just keep the login info in a forgotten file somewhere, a digital relic gathering dust from an earlier time when all we had to worry about was whether moot pissed off /b/ enough to make them rampage across the site, and if we could manage to stay awake for a 24-hour new year's marathon of Muppets and cartoons. Given that our current hub on cytube seems to be the target of not a few DDoS attacks and its various clones are unstable, it may be a limited-time trophy.

Regardless, I don't at all regret deciding to start streaming that one November 5 in 2010, lining up a bunch of treasure-themed movies and getting to know other people on the board. It's resulted in a nice group of friends that all seem to have tied together nicely, even if they don't always see eye-to-eye in less important matters. I'm happy to see how the stream has brought you all together for over a decade now. Even the ones that don't drop by anymore made some friends out of this, and all of you got to see films you likely never would have otherwise. Given my nature as well as my part in this, it seems natural that I never thought of myself as part of the group I'd inadvertently created. I was just happy to see you enjoying things and each other's company. When you came together to help me, it was the first time I felt like I had actual friends outside my limited personal contact list. Perhaps it seems strange to another, but it is simply how I am and what I am used to. Forgive a battered, broken paranoid.

Even if this stream goes away and I'm not around anymore, please keep being good to one another and yourselves. This world is full of terrible bullshit and adding more by choice isn't something any of you fine people would or should do. Time may be limited, so if you could like to be added to a will, please say so. You can PM me your details in the chat and I'll see what I can do about adding you to it. I don't have much of monetary value, but I've no one to leave most of it to and I'd rather see it go to a place where it will be loved/put to good use than someone from the government trying to impersonally claw what little I have away for whatever paltry sum they wish to pocket that day.

Please take good care of them. Each one is a memory and was part of me at some point. Friends, forever available and undying, there for me for most of my life when I had no others. For once, I may be the one leaving someone instead of the usual opposite, so I can only hope my new friends will look after them in my absence as they in turn experience the loss that has become so familiar to me. Thank you.

July 24 Updates

tl;dr: Had stomach flu. There's fluid swelling around my eyes, most notably in the left. There's an integrated cancer clinic but they're really expensive and I dunno how well it'll work. Took Akynzeo and 1 DEX as an experiment to see if it helps with the eye swell, all it did was make my mouth dry and my soles swell. Took too long trying to figure out why so many parts of me were "NOPE"ing at the prospect of doing treatment at this particular time that the Dacarbazine expired and I couldn't do it that day anyway. Got some updates medical papers, scroll down for the linked examples if you're curious about PET scans and how DS scores work. Next day I tried again and after around 8 stabs and no luck finding a safe usable vein, they called off the treatment for safety reasons. I'm probably not going to go back. If things go south, leave your name/address along with things you like if you want to be on my will, just in case. Tired, swollen, arms really hurt.



July 18: Definitely had some kind of stomach flu, digestion still draining itself and burping sulfur. My fast started today, but I had to take some throat lozenges because the back of my throat was sore and wouldn't quit; there's no "real" sugar in these things, so hopefully it won't fuck up my fast. Took a Claritin to stop sneezing.

July 19: Feeling a bit better but more tired. Want to eat but don't at the same time. Digestive system still sorta moving, which is a bit concerning since it's supposed to be going to sleep but I'm thinking it's just the flu. I don't have a fever, hopefully that flu won't fuck anything up. Noticed I'm having trouble remembering words I wanted to use more often. Someone shoot me. Hair loss hasn't slowed like it usually does, despite having an extra week to recover. Thought it was but then I lost another 2 handfuls, one before my shower and one during. There's notable edema under my left eye I can't seem to get rid of, though both of my eyes have it around them. Lifted a bit and went to bed.

July 20: More bullshit tomorrow. Forgot to pick up the Akynzeo so I had to do it tonight. I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really don't want to go. Something in me is saying "don't do it right now" but I dunno why. Chemo is terrible and I want to stop anyway at all times, not sure what the warning is about. Dying ends in death, that much I knew. Since I already know how that path ends, I wanted to experiment and see what I could learn. I've experimented, I've learned. Curiosity sated, now stop fucking torturing me. Really tempted to just stop or off myself. Doc keeps asking if I want to continue, and I always want to answer "no". I think he's tired of dealing with me, and I don't blame him since I'm tired of it, too. Eye edema is still there, looks terrible. Finally found the integrated clinic roomie's contact had mentioned working for someone she knew, I'll have to call them tomorrow.

July 21: Still don't want to go. Called that clinic, they want hundreds of dollars for anything they do, and I severely doubt it's covered by my health shit. It's poison myself or die. Everything in me is warning me not to do it today, I have no idea why. It's a similar feeling as the time they prescribed a full dose of DEX before my first treatment and I got an internal "nope". Leaving aside the usual stress bullshit, I was very concerned and couldn't pin down why my body was saying "don't do this shit right now", and I spent a lot of time sitting in the chemo chair just trying to figure out where the concern was directed. Seemed to be mostly head, neck and legs? Nothing specific that I can pin down at the moment. I did spot some petechiae on my lower legs, but apparently that's normal when your platelets are low; my specialty is neurology, not hematology you see. In any case, I'd taken the Akynzeo and a single DEX just to see if it helps with the orbital edema.

I kept getting my train of thought interrupted by a conga line of well-meaning people, some more welcome than others. For the few human ones (including today's new nurse, who had also gone through chemo, most of the good ones have) I didn't much care if they were there one way or the other, noise that was neither invited nor unwelcome. She asked if I wanted to see the onc and I said no. The charge nurse, however, was called and after 2 sentences I could tell it was a bad fit. Getting personally defensive when a patient is in turmoil is one of the #1 Don'ts in psych help of any sort. I had to tear my head away from the problem I was having to babysit her feelings with words and find an eloquent wording that would dismiss her to her other duties while implying that she wasn't needed further at this chair. She seemed to take it as "go get the onc", the last fucker I wanted to see. He acts a little more bouncy when the nurses are around, which I found interesting; now I'm not sure if he feeds off the other person's energy like I do or not. He took the dismissal with simple grace and went off to his likely very busy office, which is one of the reasons I didn't want him away from his workplace.

The nurses that talked with me were nice enough to answer some questions I had regarding both the edema AND the lump in my arm veins that the onc and his worker didn't comment on; looking at it, she thinks it's just scar tissue and shouldn't interfere with anything or cause clotting, and that they do eventually lessen but it takes time. This nurse took my traditional "can you give me a bullet to the brain stem" half-serious gallows humor worryingly, unlike the other nurses that just took it for what it was before. As a result, I got to talk with a psych just as I was coming to a decision about investigating shit and maybe seeing how it goes. More noise, but it was honest, genuine noise so it didn't bother me as much as I tried to pinpoint just what the fuck the problem was in me this time around. We shot the shit, I answered some questions and she returned the favor. I got to hear an anecdote about her granddaughter making her a birthday card that had an original pun in it that would make the stream proud. (It was great/awful, as puns should be.) She stayed until she had to go to another patient, though I'd encouraged her to leave to help the other people sooner.

The first came back and said that the Dacarbazine had expired so we couldn't do the chemo today. They prepare it far in advance, apparently, and the Dac is only good for 8 hours, compared to the others' 20-30 hours. I actually felt pretty good knowing that I wouldn't have it in me, and that I'd inadvertently caused some of it to "die" in a small rush of accidental petty vengeance. I know it causes them inconvenience and I don't want to do that, but the small rush of victory I felt was still nice to feel. The nurse scheduled me in for tomorrow at the same time-ish, though they will only mix the meds if I come in and say I'm ready. It'll take about an hour to do so, so it'll all be fresh which worries me a bit. This also throws off my eating schedule a bit by adding a fast day and shortening the refeed time, as well as the meds; I'd already taken the Akynzeo today and it lasts around 2-5 days total (in my personal experience it's around 3-4). Not taking any more DEX, so far all it's given me is swollen foot soles. On the whole, at least I get to rest a bit and maybe actually squeeze in a cardio workout like I've wanted to for the past 24 hours but keep getting sidetracked with new lines of research. Other than that, it was just a few medical staff singing praises about my textbook knowledge and now different it was from the usual patients they get, who are apparently "normally [...] clueless about everything" [sic]. Fat lot of good it's done me. Also someone mistaking knowledge for intelligence, but that happens fairly often.

I requested the latest updates on my medical profile, as well as pics of the PET scan if they had it. The papers were no problem, but apparently I needed the images from Nuclear Medicine, and unfortunately the only person "behind the desk" was a good-humored, but openly confused technician who didn't know much about these forms or how to acquire the media I was after. After some desktop chicanery, I said not to worry about it. That said, now that I have the papers in front of me, I can now put what they say properly here:

July 13th PET Scan = Big neck tumor is partly necrotic (just scar tissue) and has shrunk from 3.3cm x 2.8cm down to 2.0cm x 1.4cm, with SUV 3.5. The one in my chest went from 7.5cm x 5.5cm down to 6.0cm x 3.2cm, SUV is 3.6. If you don't know what the last number means, it's just "activity"; the liver is usually around SUV 2-3ish, and if a mass has SUV 2.5 or more it needs to be investigated for malignancy since it's higher than the average liver baseline activity. The activity in my tumors is slightly higher than my liver, but not by a lot. There was also some background uptake in some other places (like my esophagus), but they're generally not considered to be cancerous activity and are generally associated with biological functions or physiological stuff. The tumor fuckery means my Deauville category is still 4, sadly, and it's the main thing that contributed to my "unfavorable" prognosis. If they can just calm the fuck down as bit then I can come out PET negative and stop this shit properly. If you're curious, the bottom set is what it looks like when the cancer gets culled and most of the activity defaults to the kidneys and (later) liver instead of malignant stuff (the big black spots are the brain and bladder, ignore those). The poor fucker in the top set is DS5 all the way through. If I can get my hands on my PET scan I can probably explain the difference better, but mine would be much more faint compared to any of the ones with noticeable masses since I'm not a "proper" DS4, but they don't do decimals in the official list of shit at the end.

I just don't want to be stabbed anymore. It's not the same as a blade or an ass-kicking and I could deal with it just fine if it were, but it's this thick-ass needle long catheter sitting in your vein for 3+ hours. It's this horrible, unnatural thing inside you in a place you don't want it to be, putting terrible toxic shit into your body and often causing a ton of pain itself. Anyway, I'm absolutely exhausted since I've stayed up nearly 24 hours at this point, but the DEX has some time before it wears off. May as well work on some things and see if I have enough leftover energy to get my heart moving. I'll look into scanning the papers I have and emailing them to that clinic to have the doc look over them and see if coming in for a consultation is worth it.


July 22: Woke up feeling somewhat rested for once, with enough energy to get out of bed relatively quickly. I can't tell if the single DEX helped with the edema or not. I'd also applied palmitate oil (vitamin A) to the area and it's gone down a little. The feeling from yesterday is still present but nowhere near as strong. Before it was a clear "don't do this, bad idea", today it's more of a "you can try if you want, but really watch closely". It didn't go away the hour I had to wait for them to order the drugs, I jogged a bit around the building hoping to see if it was something relating to that, but it wasn't. Figured the extra day may be beneficial anyway since I wasn't sure if the lozenges would fuck up my fast or not.

They got the nurse from #4 to do it this time since it went so smoothly the last go. The feeling didn't abate, though. She gave it her best shot, but I ended up having 3-4 different nurses give this a try and no luck. I got stabbed 6 times in my left arm and twice in my right. Out of those, 3 were okay but they either lost the vein, it didn't flush, or the line blew; 2 were extremely painful and this is the first time I'd ever begged someone to take the line out. Naturally the nurse that did that one didn't listen and kept on trying to get the vein because they only care about that, like I'm overreacting or something. It hurt terrible the whole time it was in and even the saline flush stung when it wasn't supposed to. Similar thing happened on the right. They even tried the inside against my best judgement, but the burn from the saline alone was so bad that we couldn't do it. For safety reasons, they canceled the treatment. You can't put caustic chemicals into someone with that many holes in their veins.

They keep trying to talk me into getting a PICC line or a port, but I know I'd just end up pulling it out or cutting it out at home. People like to praise me for my supposed level-headedness, logic, unflappability for some reason I never really got. I generally just think of myself as some dumbass faggot and don't understand the hype. Maybe it just seems that way to people for some reason, but I've always been quite primal. If something isn't right, it gets picked up on and unnaturalness in my body gets the extreme treatment even if it seems illogical, reduced to some slathering wild beast when cornered. Maybe that's why so many people compare me to things that are "predatory", even when I feel like I'm just a bottom feeder. I felt around the time of the last PET scan that my body was pretty much done with all this, and I suppose that's what the feeling was. I'll look into the alternative routes and see what comes of it. In case it doesn't leave, send me your name/address if you want to be on my will. I have vidya and stuff, some books if you want, mostly classic lit and science.

I did manage to get both of my PET scans and looked at them in detail. Gotta say, my frontal lobe is breddy nice. The first scan shows my neck and chest lit up like a Christmas tree with very little uptake by the organs since the cancer was stealing it all. Even the bones lit up a bit more. In the latest one, you can barely see anything in the neck, and the one in the chest blends into the background organs, can't even tell where it is without comparing the two. Looks a lot like the second pic in the remission series I linked, better than I'd thought. Here's hoping I can kick the last of it without more torture sessions. Broke my fast, may as well. Ended up having to go to bed early due to fatigue.


July 23: Woke up tired, arms still really hurt where the IV placement was bad. The one on my right where they didn't listen in particular is pretty bad, and I can't have anything heavier than my shirt sleeve touch it directly. Ate and managed to stay awake about 6 hours before needing to go to bed again. Slept and woke up only to chug some water and sleep again.


July 24: Arms still hurt a lot. Everything does, actually. Either it's fluid swell since I haven't worked out for a couple days, or the nerve damage is more extensive than I could feel. Probably some combo. I'm all swollen, from my eyes down, though interestingly my legs seem to have been spared somewhat this time. Actually felt hungry for the first time in ages, forgot what that was like. The single DEX that I took for the experiment on Tuesday still seems to be enough to grind digestion to a halt for a few days, so going with some fibrous cereal mixed with flax powder and protein. I'll have to rely on cardio to drain all this bullshit and try to see if I can get my energy levels up in order to actually do it. Tired of looking like I got my face stung by bees while all of my hair falls out. Those sulfur burps are coming back, too, so whatever was causing it survived the fast.

July 17 Updates

tl;dr: Just staying up until PET scan. Last meal involved packing too much stuff into too small of a window and I felt like crap for an hour or so. Any time I even lightly touch my hair, at least one will come loose. PET scan showed some remaining activity in the biggest tumors, but they're mostly scar tissue now. May have stomach flu, not sure. Mouse is acting weird. No more Cheerios, I think.


July 11: I've pretty much given up on trying to fix my sleep schedule. I stayed up 2 days and all I got out of it was falling asleep again after sleeping the first time. There was a suggestion to speak/type nicely and "at least act positive" to see if it works but all it got me was someone in a chat telling me I act gay, so fuck it. Did my lifting, gonna eat up the last of my perishables before the fast starts on Monday if I can. Without all of the extra DEX swell, I've identified some of the possible causes of pain and additional swelling I may not have noticed otherwise. That lump in my vein from #3 has siblings in my left food and knee, and they hurt. For all I know, there may be some in my neck causing all the fuckery. I think #4 has one forming, too. I'll have to ask about them, maybe we can dissolve them or something. Maybe one will break off and give me a pulmonary embolism or turn me into a vegetable or something. I dunno, starting to not care much. Noticed I've been waking up in that tilted-right-side position repeatedly again. I thought the lump in my neck got smaller, but it's about the same size it was last time. The area keeps swelling, likely due to lymph blockage. It's very uncomfortable around the sites in general, moving obviously helps it a bit. The pain in my right jaw may only partially be TMD, and I think some of it may be the back tooth that keeps bothering me on and off throughout this entire thing.


July 12: My hair is so thin. I forgot about the "no workouts 24 hours before a PET scan" thing, so hopefully my lifting at the end of Saturday is far enough away from it that it won't fuck it up too much. When you work out, your muscles suck up more glucose (and friends) which can make the scan unreliable and harder to read since it depends so much on measuring glucose uptake by the cancerous cells. I'm still sore in some places, so I'll have to warn them. Also hoping my last meal won't affect it; it should just hit the 6 hour-ish mark they ask for, but I did have a lot. It'd be better if they didn't schedule it so early as it fucks with my rhythm in multiple ways, and the fast schedule is just one. I did eat a lot, felt like shit for an hour or so since my lower digestive system is still rebelling when anything passes through it. Lost another big handful of hair and I look like shit in general. Getting that familiar crunch and stiffness in my neck tendons that was so prevalent when the tumors were big. Heart's been doing the tachycardia thing on and off, usually at the same time every day, interestingly, and it's the same timeframe that used to make me nauseous before the whole lymphoma thing, so I've had about 3 Naproxen throughout #4.

No idea if the chemo is even working anymore. If it's not, looks like I can't even be granted the dignity of dying while looking like myself. That petechiae on my jaw never really went away, keep finding small ones in the soft tissue around my eyes. Had a nosebleed randomly a while ago, but it was when it was cold and I had the space heater on which always dries everything out so I dunno if it's from that or not. Knowing my luck I'll have leukemia or something on top of this.

Roomie notified me 2 days late that I had some phone calls. One was from a pediatrician at a children's hospital for unknown reasons, if the name is the same doctor. The other was from my job. I don't know if I even have a job or not anymore. Wouldn't be able to work in my state anyway since I could barely manage going there even back before the affliction took over to a greater degree. Hard to be enthusiastic about "getting better" when what's waiting outside the cancer bubble is just more stress and hopeless bullshit. My one mouse's own cancer has progressed to the point where they're fatter than she is, which isn't very much anymore due to all the crap it draws out of her. Her back leg can't reach the ground anymore and she obviously tires more easily. She seems cheerful and energetic otherwise, still.


July 13: Time to get pumped full of radioactive bullshit through another horrible IV feed. Last time they ran a cycle with saline that made me cold, then I had to sit in a dark room drinking a contrast in water that tasted like coated paper. Didn't happen this time, dunno why. Asked, nurse didn't know why either. It was scheduled right in that few hours where I feel the worst and my head isn't working right, so it was less pleasant than the first scan, too. The saline/glucose cycle actually made me feel like I was edging nausea. Passed out some time after I got home. Had a weird feeling of extreme peace later in the day that was probably a result of the complete ebb of extreme stress earlier.

July 14: "Do you want to continue treatment?" Tired of hearing that question. The answer is always no, saying yes would be a lie. Got stabbed again, the nurse had some trouble finding a place to take a sample from since my veins are already scarred from all the fucking needless stabbing. Once again, I asked why they don't just take the blood sample before the PET scan. It's all bureaucracy, if the paper doesn't specifically ask for it then they won't do it regardless of how much sense it makes. The nurses said to bring it up with the doc since they readily agreed and said it was a good idea; considering how quickly and assiduously they answered, I got the impression this was something long discussed but never implemented by the system. I left a note for the onc, but I doubt anything will come of it. No one gives a s hit and it's easier to just go by the books and keep doing shit the way they're used to. The square wheel isn't technically broken, so even though a round wheel would work much better, there's no need to fix it.

The onc did let me see the text version of my scan results. The tumors started at around 7-8cm at the largest in my chest, and they're down to around 6cm. That may not sound like much, but most of it is scar tissue now instead of cancer, including the unchanging one in my neck. That one's apparently dead and it's also just scar shit. There's still activity in the biggest ones that's slightly above the metabolizing in my liver, so doc says I'll likely need more. More fucking chemo. Probably 2 more cycles, since if I stop now it'll probably come back within a year. I've already done 4 treatments (2 cycles), I don't know if I have it in me for doing this AGAIN. A break's what I need, at least; no fucking way am I able to deal with getting fucked up in that place 3 times in one week. Got them to shift the next torture session to Tuesday instead of this Thursday. Oh, and the clots? The ones someone told me to wait to address and see what the doctors can do? They don't care. It's only if you're dying or if it's already in your lungs that they bother to do anything, so as usual I'll have to rely solely on my own knowledge on blood thinners and platelet production to get anything done.

Broke my fast early since there's not much point in going full water now. Spent the rest of the day running errands, like spending a fuckton on groceries before passing out on the couch for a few hours. Did my jog and went to bed after shitposting for a while.

July 15: Is today a holiday or someone's birthday? Something's telling me it is. I dunno whose or what, but happy whatever it is. I'm not supposed to lift heavy shit right after getting stabbed so I jogged for a while first, instead. Very tired, lifted anyway.


July 16: Still tired but less so, woke up sore. Not going in this week being better was an accurate assessment. Think I may have stomach flu, been burping sulfur for 2 days now and my digestive system seems unhappy. At the end of the day, desk mouse is acting like I'm going to kill her out of nowhere. Her face looks weird and her butt looks wet. I think she may have the same thing I do as I sometimes share my meals with her. With a notable struggle, I got her to get some wet tail medicine to curb potential diarrhea. This involved her launching herself off my chair, desk, my person, and running around the room. She even bit me, which she never does, and looked really whacked out in general. Hopefully she gets better.

July 17: Thought it was still Thursday. Woke up to the finale of my sulfrous issue; if it's not stomach flu then it's the Cheerios. Ate a bit and fell asleep again.

July 10 Updates

 tl;dr: If I get another treatment, it will likely be next Thursday and so I may miss the stream or just not be present; the PET scan's scheduling kinda fucked with everything else. Doing my own anti-cancer experiments that shouldn't interfere with the toxic mainstream method, here's hoping something works. The petechiae on my jaw came back before the last IV rodeo, and it came back again about a week later. No nausea without the DEX, less swelling, more physical fatigue at first but the recovery time total is similar with or without the steroid. Losing a lot of hair. Arm from treatment 3 still hurts and has a lump in it that may be a clot. Heat and nocturnal habituation is making sleep switch more of a problem than I'd anticipated.


July 4: Not much to report. Been trying some resin to settle my stomach; the high-temperature malaise is still there but in decreasing amounts. I can feel precisely when food moves from my stomach to my small intestine, like it's uneasy for a few minutes until it can verify that it's just food and nothing toxic. Heart rate still climbs when it moves to the lower part, though. If it's not just lingering toxicity, it's possibly the nuking of the bacteria down there doing it. I'll eat more fermented foods to see if I can help the little guys out.


July 5: While the fermented food idea seems to have worked, I can't verify how much my experiment has helped, if at all. At least insofar as digestion goes. The trend was the effect halving nearly every time I had to go to the bathroom, and it seems consistent with that even after adding my ideas to the mix. That said, digestion is almost entirely back to normal as far as I can tell. Back to jogging already. So while I was asleep/unable to move for a while longer than usual without the DEX, the overall recovery time seems to be about the same and with fewer long-term shittiness to boot. At least so far. Unfortunately, I lost a ton of hair in the bath; the cumulative effects of the horrible bullshit seem to be taking its toll on my scalp's residents. I'm doing what I can, but more than usual definitely came loose. Below the belt is almost entirely gone.


July 6: Trying to shift my sleeping patterns over after all the stupid clinic times that are all over the place is showing itself to be a chore. I wish my tachycardia would fuck off. The arm used in the disastrous third treatment still hurts, and there's a small, fairly solid lump around where the IV when in the second time. It's been like that since before the last go, but it's more obvious now. I think it's getting bigger. Most likely a hardened vein, hopefully not a huge clot or similar.


July 7: Had a dream I was hanging with all of the mice I knew that have passed away in a sort of DIY house hooked up to a detachable vehicle front to make a sorta-RV. There were also people who are still alive included in the dream, so if anyone (like Nig) decides it was something more than that they should bear that in mind. It reminded me to let the mice have free run, since the weather was not ideal for jogging and I'd been meaning to when I didn't feel like shit. I'm starting to think I genuinely need some semi-intense cardio since that full feeling in my chest cavity is still present, only instead of the entire thing like when I'm on the DEX it's just localized around the heart and left side of the neck. The petechiae on my left jaw from before the last round of hell is back again, too. As such spots have been present on and off since the initial bout of food poisoning, I'm hoping it signifies nothing more than my body's own protesting over having lymphoma. Had a bout of tachycardia while trying to nod off, took a Naproxen and it seemed to calm it down enough to sleep a while.


July 8: Once again, I woke up to a small itch or two on my scalp and ended up with a collective handful of hair. Happened every day so far. It seems more pronounced on my right for some reason, and looking at the hairs that come away most easily there's just... not much there on the root end. It's like it tapers into nothingness. Visually, my head doesn't look much different from the last two times but I dunno how long that'll last. My TMD has been really bothering me the past few days. I'd contacted both a dentist and a chiropractor yesterday, but due to the pandemic they're backed up for weeks and can't see me until near the end of the month, rather than before the end of next week like I was hoping. The dentist also needs a letter from my doctor to look at my teeth, in case I need antibiotics or something to just clean. I'm tired of everything needing to go through this guy, feels like I'm in fucking kindergarten again. Can't go to the bathroom, gotta raise your hand and get permission to piss first. This is usually when shit starts to go south if I drop my guard, so I'll have to keep an eye on things.


July 9: Just so much hair. Nothing I do seems to stop it. Any contact causes 2-10 hairs to come loose. No contact makes them fall anyway. I've pulled 2 handfuls off the floor at this point, and that's just from the last couple days alone. My side experiment only delayed things, I think. It was worth a try. I thought my forearms may have had some edema, like my legs, but uh... it's just the muscle I put on from lifting more. So I'm an idiot, I guess. Bottom of my feet have been tingling, and there's a spot along the top of the left's big toe metatarsal that hurts to touch. The right has a similar problem, but on the underside instead. Ribs are still tender to touch on and off, but now I'm not sure if it's from soreness after swell/nerve attacks I was unaware of or if it's from me working out. There's also bad weather that may interfere with power in the area, so we will see how it affects the stream this week.

Since my usual attempts at rectifying my sleep patterns haven't been working, I just stayed up from Wednesday and tried to take it easier for a rest day, see if I can reset things that way. Genuinely laughed for the first time in weeks in another sync chat; we were watching that stupid Hardee's customer service video and the chat was making fun of it and then started spamming the crying wagie emote so fast it made the video lag. Went to bed pretty tired during a nasty lightning storm, probably for the best I don't keep the computer on.


July 10: Sorta worked. Lots of hair in my sheets, mind. Woke up after about 8 hours, had enough energy and wakefulness to get up and get some food to bring back to my room. Read a bit while I ate, played a bit of handheld like I sometimes do to wake myself up and then... I just didn't get out of bed. I dunno what happened, it's like I lagged out myself. The combination of it being way earlier than what my body wanted to wake up at and the summer heat just made it go "naw". Then I fell asleep for like 3-4 more hours and it was time to get up because stream.

July 3 Updates

 tl;dr: Losing more hair, can't tell if it's more than usual though. Fucking with my sleep schedule sucks, normalfag hours are anathema. Turns out the DEX isn't actually a part of my regimen and was just for nausea control, so I'm probably just gonna drop it entirely. Tried it for this go around, no nausea so far but lots of liquid waste during and after treatment. Mind is clearer but body is a lot more tired. I'm on normal food again, no nausea still.


June 27: Not much happened since I'm just sleeping/not sleeping to adjust so as to be able to make it to the next appointments. Wanted to jog but I still felt too tired, so I just wandered a bit and looked at the moon. Legs are still swollen.


June 28: Bottom eyelids have joined the swell again, great. I love looking like Steve fucking Buscemi. Cleaned everything so I don't have to deal with it when I'm at my worst, as usual. Weirdly, I feel more normal today and less spacey than yesterday. The bump on the side of my neck is indeed smaller. Most of the shrinkage seems to happen when I'm not actively recovering from them dumping shit into me, so like the last 2 days before they do it again on a regular schedule. May just quit after this depending on the CT scan, but that was the plan anyway. It's small enough where I may be able to nuke the remainder on my own without all this bullshit.

Took a bath, lost a lot of hair. Doesn't fucking stop. Really tired of pulling hairballs out of the carpet and seeing it all come out in the bathroom. Can't tell if it's more or less than usual in total since I only seem to actively shed when I touch it. Could be compound shedding, I have no idea.


June 29: Blood test at some ungodly fucking hour in the morning. Dunno why it has to be so early, mornings always make me feel nauseous. Extra motivation to keep fasting since it gets rid of that, but I just stayed up all night to make sure I was lucid and did some stretches. The place they poked for blood testing hurt for a while afterward, and I'm hoping it doesn't come back. I reported all of my side effects, and the onc wants to go ahead with 85% Vinblastine. He also said that drinking green tea as a home diuretic should be fine on my regimen, which goes against the "don't drink caffeine teas" rule everyone was spouting, and that's not the only change. Contrary to what I was previously led to believe, the Dexamethasone is NOT a part of my regimen insofar as fighting the cancer, though it can contribute since it does fuck up that cell type. It was primarily for nausea control, apparently. Even though we went over this and it was pointing to the contrary. That means that I have, essentially, been torturing myself with a corticosteroid for NO FUCKING REASON FOR TWO MONTHS. The onc said he wants me to take them on treatment days for the nausea control, but if that's the only reason I outright said I'm probably just going to drop this shitty garbage and light the remaining pills on fire for science. Fuck steroids. I'm so tired of my insides turning into a waterbed, getting covered in acne, and not even being able to sleep normally for a week.

My neutrophil count was much lower than the previous round, which is probably why I was so tired. My sodium and potassium were kinda low as well, so I've gone back to drinking a bit of salt water every day to equalize shit. Without the fucking DEX I'll likely swell a lot less, so I won't have to be as careful with sodium. Got my hands on some pretty nice resin and oil that kicks the shit out of the stuff I've been enjoying up until now. If I could get my hands on a certain gold isotope I'd have all three wiseman gifts. Really tired, debating whether to do my lifting now or after I sleep a while.


June 30: I slept before doing my workout. I've decided to omit the Dexamethasone for this round to see how it goes. Most times Akynzeo is used in combination with the DEX in order to block a bunch of pathways that cause nausea and the onc said it's used in combo with it, but looks like non-Hodgkin's patients are on a regimen with a similar emetogenic profile and they've been tested without DEX administration in conjunction with the Akynzeo, and the results were just fine. I'm fairly confident that my lack of eating can help with the acute problems and cover many delayed effects, may as well put it to the test.

Since they allow visitors now, I had one of my very few irl contacts come along. We mostly just shot the shit and it was great for taking the early stress off since that tends to be the worst. It helped that my nurse for the day was a personable sort that liked novel talk, so we all chatted about stuff. She asked what I did before this and thought I had a medical background; not the first time I've heard that, maybe I can spoof my way into a quack position someday and make bank. I told the nurse that using an outer arm vein would be worth the time investment and it was best to do this. Turns out it wasn't harder to find veins on the outside, and there was a big one that was visible even without a tourniquet with great blood return. It kept poking and doing wee stings, but we think it was just irritation from the cleaner that was used mixing with the usual needle-end poke bullshit. Lots more tingling in my feet on this round of increased Vinblastine, not the best sign. The sting went away, I just had an occasional twinge if the IV angle changed too much, along with some ache near the elbow during the always awful Dacarbazine drip. My left leg did get fucked again, particularly at the joints, and the bottom of my right foot hurt, but neither are new and I only have to keep an eye on the degree. Funny how smooth shit goes when people actually listen. I made sure to thank the nurse by name for doing so.

The differences I noticed without the DEX was that I was more alert in general, and less tired by the end. Normally I would wait to type this out, for example, but I just got home a few minutes ago. Pretty much no new swelling so far. No nausea, though I did feel a weird pressure, like the water I was drinking wanted to come up... almost like it couldn't roll over into nausea? Turns out I just had air trapped in there and releasing it fixed the problem. Another difference was that I now had to go to the bathroom for two reasons rather than one. I knew the DEX constipated me, but I didn't think it prevented that kind of thing during a round of chemo. When I close my eyes, some of the fatigue goes away, so maybe my light sensitivity is contributing. So, my hypothesis about the Akynzeo and fasting taking care of the nausea seems to be holding out so far. The acute phase is over, now we just need to monitor delayed.

On that note, I did take a B12 supplement to see if it combats the neuropathy. There's other ingredients in there, but I'm pretty sure a small shot of sucralose should be fine as that doesn't cause an insulin response, so I should still stay in the proper state of avoid any nausea. Slathered some lactic acid on my legs to ease the bit of swell I got from all the fluids. Asked a nurse about the hair, she said I'm ahead of the game if I have any, so a full head like mine is really damn good. Apparently it most often tends to go in large amounts by 3 weeks; a person's scalp will get really tender and then shit just starts falling out when it's fated to all go away, so there's a very good chance I'll actually keep a good bit of my hair through this.

Went to bed since I was tired, though. You have no idea how nice it is, what a blessing it is, to actually be able to fall asleep when you're this worn out. The DEX would have me suffer through at least 6 more hours before I could nod off. I slept for about 4 hours and was awoken by some malaise, that pseudo-nausea that tells you that you need to go to the bathroom because there's something in your intestines it doesn't like. It's the same sensation I had when I got the food poisoning that kicked off this whole thing that says, "go to the bathroom right now". I followed its advice, and it was around this time that my temperature spiked enough to make me sweat, which isn't unusual in this scenario. Once I let my body do its thing, it went back to normal and I felt well again within minutes, though I do feel a lot of air moving around in my stomach. I went back to bed and contentedly just dozed for another 4 hours or so, letting my head go over old books and clips I've seen. I don't know if my memory has been affected or not, but the audio-visual part still seems spot-on for now. I read a bit, played some vidya, noticed my left hand felt funny and was swollen. Removing the IV bandage solved the problem, then I dozed off again.

July 1: I'm starting to get what they mean when they say the DEX makes you "more alert". My head is a hell of a lot clearer without it, but my body definitely has a lot less energy. Everything seems to take a lot more physical effort, including just focusing visually on things, but that also may have more to do with the fact that I was in bed for 24 hours (giving my head and neck a lymphatic massage seems to fix most of the issue). This isn't helped by the 10% increase in Vinblastine we went with that wreaks havoc on your peripheral nerves. I know that VIN and DEX have an interaction that makes the former less effective and I bore the risks in mind when I omitted the latter from my regimen, so I essentially made the former more effective. Of course, this means effective in GENERAL, not just against cancerous cells. I was still dealing with some remaining DEX swell when I went in for the latest infusion, so the general swell you get from getting this bullshit pumped through you was stacked on top of what was already there. My face, neck, arms and legs are puffy, but nowhere near what they are normally when I'm on the corticosteroid. I have to burp a lot but it doesn't want to come out without a struggle; never thought I'd have to list "difficulty burping" as an experienced side effect for anything. Walked around a bit.

I wanna say "fuck DEX" with 100% conviction, but that minor malaise occasionally comes back, localized around my throat when I feel something down under. If that doesn't go away by tomorrow, I may actually have to take one to avoid a possible manifestation of ACTUAL nausea. I also have that metoclopromide that I haven't even touched yet. My legs feel really heavy (thanks VIN) and my left ankle really hurts, particularly around the Achilles tendon. Walking on the balls of my feet made the pain go away, but I don't know whether it's good to do so or not. My vision kept pulsating and my head felt both heavy and light most of the day, but after a rest, I walked around a bit, used the cycle. Emptied my normal water bottle, so I chugged some h2 water from the full one; I just wanted a drink, but I felt a lot better after drinking it. Kinda forgot about the effects since you end up distracted by other stuff, but I really can't recommend this shit enough. My heels hurt on both feet, more pronounced on the left. It's not as sharp as before.

July 2: Lost a lot of hair at once, like always right after a treatment. Took a shower, went to bed. Slow getting up, but enough energy to stretch and go for a walk, unlike the first day. I'm always impressed with my body's healing factor. I'd cut my thumb open on Saturday and it seemed like it was going to stay as a nasty gash for some time since it just kinda stayed there, but I guess something kicked in and half of it is gone overnight. Same with the two mosquito bites; they were open wounds last night (I think I scratched them in my sleep) but they're just closed-off patches of pinkish skin now, like they were never open to start with. My immune system is much the same way, so naturally the problem I got was the one that hijacks your immune cells. I think anything else would have gotten nuked pretty quick, like usual.

I broke my fast late, partly out of caution, but mostly because I kept dozing off around midday. Since the DEX-free infusion cleared my digestive tract, I didn't have the usual bathroom runs when I drank my broth. Added in some peppermint and ginger tea to the mix, but it seems it wasn't necessary. No nausea at all. Neck and ankles are tense and hurt like a bitch, mostly the latter, so I'll probably be fucking around with some anti-inflammatory measures. In the meantime, time for solids. Seafood, as usual. Some burping, no other side effects so far.


June 3: Slow getting up still. I can't tell how much is from the absence of the steroid and how much is just the cumulative fatigue effects, or just from the sledgehammer of Vinblastine. Had that thing where I woke up after 4 hours to go to the bathroom, then went back to bed. Got up, had some food and coconut base. Been trying to take notice of the state of my eyes, just in case. My right has that dried stuff on it when I wake up, but my left eye is dry. Very tired physically, also I have bouts of head spinning, sorta. I think it's because my neck is so tense and fucked up; loosening it a bit helped a lot.Worth mentioning that I took the L-Glutamine and Acetyl-L-Carnitine before I went to bed. My legs were really painful, and today they're not at all. Just some occasional ache around the ankle(s). It's like it vanished overnight like magic.

June 26 Updates

 tl;dr: Better control over lower body swelling, upper body is another story. Neck and chest consistently feel too "full". Lowering fluid intake and using an h2 inhibitor seems to help. Digestion is still a gaseous, bloaty nightmare. I think I may have developed an egg intolerance from all this. IV arm hurt the entire time and I will be making sure I don't have the same nurse putting it into my arm. It's really fucking hot here. Fridge stopped working until I got fed up enough to fix it, lost some food. Cardio seems fine, limbs have some weakness and nerve pain, legs swelled up again for a day or so. Can't tell if the chemo is even doing anything anymore other than fucking my body up. If it doesn't work I'll probably just kill myself. Eye seems better but got it confirmed that my right is a bit off.


June 20: Everything feels too full. My digestive system, my head, my neck, my chest. So much pressure. Right eye is still blurry. Jaw hurts. Neck is really puffy. Stretched anyway. Went around the block a few times. By just not drinking much water for a while I greatly reduced the leg swell since my body eliminates the same amount of fluid even with reduced intake. Hair oil still doing its thing, still applying every day except after I take a shower to let the skin breathe. Roomie was kind enough to supply a massage. Dunno if it helped or not, mind.


June 21: Neck still puffy. Legs are down still, but it hurts in the calf and along the front of the shin. Jaw really hurts. Stretched, managed to jog a bit. My lungs are working okay but my heart's really easy to get going. Feet felt really hot by the end. Something I've also noticed is that I can wake up okay, but right after I'll crash for 1-2 hours and can't seem to do much. I lifted some stuff, my sleep cycle is still fucked from the DEX. Noticeable limb weakness, I had to go down a weight to do my reps and my push-ups are pretty shaky. Pisses me off, I worked hard to get my form on those. There's only so much I can do to test my mental acuity, so I decided to try some puzzle game sets that usually take me a while to work though. Managed to get through an entire set without stopping much faster than normal, same result with the set following. My math seems about the same and still fluctuates with how much sleep I've had. We'll have to see if that holds out.


June 22: Slept most of the day, too hot and humid to do much else anyway. I had a kiwi and my insides did a lot of unpleasant things, so I think I'll have to be careful with certain fruits for a while. Eye seems a little better today. Stretched, just used the cycle instead of going outside into the hot hellscape of summer, noticed my legs don't get tired as easily once they get going. Pretty sure I have some nerve damage in my shins where it hurts. Neck is still tense, like it and my eyes keep doing that thing where you just woke up or haven't slept in days and you're compelled to blink heavily a lot. Slathered a bunch of lactic acid around my neck, shoulders and chest in an attempt to drain all this bullshit. Sides hurt, especially along the hips. Shed a bunch today.


June 23: Eye blur's back to where it was previously. Set up an optometry appointment for Friday afternoon/evening to get a vision check and maybe a puff test for glaucoma pressure if I'm allowed. Neck is still tense and my head's still doing that "haven't slept swoon", but the lactic acid came through and my neck area doesn't feel like it's in a puffy inflatable collar anymore. Decided to try the H2 inhibitor idea and it seems to have cleared my head a bit, interestingly. Took more coconut water to combat neutropenia.

It's bizarre; jogging and running are fine, but if I try to walk "normally" it just doesn't happen. It's like I can't do a standard slow human gait anymore or I start to trip up. When not wearing shoes, it was pretty normal for me to just fox walk everywhere before this, and I've gotten in shit more than once from accidentally scaring the hell out of someone because I apparently "creep everywhere like some kind of predator, stop fucking doing that or you owe me a new pair of pants, what the fuck" but now I can't NOT do it whether I'm wearing shoes or not. Guess I'll have to get used to more people crossing to the other side of the street when I'm walking around town. Anyway, my left leg hurts more than the right when I walk. Seems I can jog on and off for an hour and be fine, don't even have to breathe out of my mouth, but lifting anything reveals the muscle weakness. I'll have to up my game. That said, deadlifts were okay today.

Fridge was still fucked, but I finally found where the model specs are hiding. I had to toss some vegetables. I hate wasting and this was such a needless thing. I'd been holding out because roomie prime insisted it was a board issue and we'd need a part, while I said it was probably the fan or thermostat with the fan being most likely. After having to shave the cheese and toss some grapes, I just said fuck it and took it apart myself. Sure enough, it was the fan and ventilation all caked with ice. Just ran some hot water through it and put it back together, seems to be working now.


June 24: I think the wake-up crash is related to sleeping a long time, digestion, or both. As my digestion becomes more regular again, I've noticed the crash has slowly become less pronounced. In addition, I get it more acutely when I eat eggs, of all things. Sleeping fewer than 8 hours prevented the crash rollover (possibly), but I'm not sure if it was that alone or something else. I did feel better after taking the h2 inhibitor when nothing else seemed to work, so I'll put that down as a possibility as well. Eye seems less blurry today, head is also less "full" feeling, but my neck is still puffy with it being mostly on the left. This, I think, actually is minor lymphedema. My IV arm still hurts, too. Since I've progressed about as far as I think I can via diet, I tried a B12 supplement to compare progress in the neuropathy.

Someone in the household hurt their ankle, and I've been called upon to make an unofficial medical diagnosis because it seems now everyone has an aversion to seeing actual doctors. Given they'd be waiting a thousand years, I can't blame anyone for dodging. Looking at it, I'm pretty sure it's just a common lateral sprain. Cold made the pain worse, so I borrowed the nurse's idea and filled a rubber glove with hot water to make a ghetto water bottle for it and got my acetaminophen out. My own leg started to swell again, and the feet. Chest feels too full. Think my hair loss was just delayed this time, like the other side effects. I'm shedding more than usual. Eye seems a bit better.


June 25: Yep, leg's fucked again. Limped around all day, calf and shins hurt, feet hurt. Picked up some more coconut shit and had a bout of exhaustion that came out of nowhere. I think the summer heat brings it on worse than usual, but it's like you haven't slept and can't think. Might be chemo brain, hope not. When I was jogging my fucking cheekbones of all things started to hurt. I've also noticed that my gums have receded a bit. Still shedding. IV arm still hurts to touch so I guess I won't be using that one for infusions of toxic garbage anymore. I can't tell if the little lump in my neck is shrinking or not, it feels like there's a water bed over it now because of all the fluid shit. With all these issues and it maybe not even working properly I'm probably just gonna off myself.

The didn't have the coconut water I've been using, just coconut base, so hopefully it's just as helpful. It has almost no flavor, but it feels almost oily despite being just a liquid so it's harder to chug. It's also a lot more fattening, so this will be interesting. Managed to get the leg swell down a bit and my eye seems better, too.


June 26: Eye seems better, go figure. Still slightly blurred. Went to the optometrist, a chatty little thing that enjoyed talking about whatever was going on in life. It's that kind of genuine small talk I don't mind since the person actually gives a shit. Got it confirmed that my right eye is a bit off, but I got told it's impressive that my eye prescription has stayed so stable despite not getting my eyes checked in well over a decade. My left hasn't budged. Hilariously, my right is blurred because it's now needs LESS correction, but there's a brand-new slight stigmatism in it that wasn't there before. I'm going to keep it monitored and go in regularly if I can. Also got it confirmed officially in writing that I have light sensitivity, so assuming I still have a job I can give that to the manager finally. Now I just need to find a dentist.

June 19 Updates

tl;dr: I have a small stretch mark on my right calf from the swelling before I got it down. Got a cheap manual treadmill for walking so I don't get my skull destroyed on a walk by the crazy hail we got. Not likely to be lymphedema, my own normal socks are better than the compression ones they sell at the store anyway. Lactic acid is GREAT for bringing down retention swell. Got Sandalore, got health coverage. Found a bakery, learned everyone I live with is a shameless pig that will happily eat their weight in carbs if I'm not around to call them out. IV site for chemo was very painful and had to be re-sited for the last drip because it burned. Ended up staying 2 hours later than usual. Several nurses asked me if it's my first treatment still I still have a full head of hair, just thinner. The swelling is shitty but manageable, sorta. Treadmill was a good idea. About 4 DEX seems to be my limit before it starts affecting my vision; I was originally prescribed 7 of them. Broke my fast. Very tired. New fridge keeps fucking up, trying to avoid another possible bout of food poisoning that could come from it if I'm not careful. If I'm not in the stream, either I fell asleep again or something happened and I needed to go to ER or something.


June 13: Acquired cheap treadmill; a nice woman (who turned out to be a nurse) had gotten it for walking during quarantine, but ended up not using it. It's a manual and seems great for walking, but anything faster than a brisk jog is tricky on the small thing. Given the deadly hailstorm we got, it's a good alternative if I can't go outside, but it's definitely not a full replacement.

Elevation and massage don't seem to be doing anything for the leg. I'm thinking it's not lymphedema going by this and where my tumors were, but you never know. Tried wrapping it with bandages and a knee brace but it doesn't seem to help, and the bandage makes shit worse. I have foregone the bandage and just stuck with the elastic thing I was using before on my calf as it has the best results. The downside is that it's too short so there's a bulge under it, and I now have a ring where the elastic terminates. The compression socks I got at the drug store are more loose than my regular socks, so fat lot of good they do.

June 14: The retinol + lactic acid combo definitely works. Nothing else has had such a drastic effect in lowering the swelling. I've switched some tall calf socks I had sitting around, and they're nice and tight with the bonus of having thicker padding on the bottom. My left leg is still more swollen than the right, but at least it looks more even now. I can't seem to do much about the swell near the ankle. I've been focusing so much on how much bigger the left is than the right, but I can see both of my legs are swollen all the way up, it's just more intense below the knees. I did my lifts, but reduced the number of sets since I'm both fasting and dealing with edema. Looking into tui na if something fucks up badly in me, a few places nearby offer it. Noticed the provider for my emergency phone has been double-charging me every month, so I'll have to deal with that tomorrow.

June 15: Stayed up all night until my appointment time so I'd make it and be somewhat-lucid. Felt like shit. As we pull up to the cancer place, I feel an instinctual and reflexive wave of loathing wash over me every time. They stole more blood from me, I can't stand IVs at all now. At least it wasn't as painful as the emerg one, just the entry stung. Met Honda nurse again, she seems pretty okay. The onc's nurse was nice enough to give me a printout of my blood tests for me to take home. Sodium was just fine despite not taking any in, so I'll avoid it for a while so as not to contribute to the edema.

My NP counts were lower than I'd hoped/been aiming for at 2.5, but it's enough where another torture session is permitted. My previous count was 10+, for comparison. You want to be at least 1 and above, otherwise your defenses may be considered too compromised to continue and you have to wait. Onc and his nurse pretty much confirmed that the likelihood of the swell being lymphedema is very low, and that it's likely just fluid retention from the DEX. I fucking hate that fucking steroid. Apparently, if you're getting a normal dose of chemo poisons, the DEX's contribution to lymphocyte death isn't huge, so you can reduce it just fine. I was getting a half dose of Vinblastine, so the DEX took up some of the slack. I did notice that the tumors didn't shrink as much this time, but they're barely there to begin with and the bulk of what I feel is this semi-yielding dead mass that just feels like scar tissue around the formerly-huge one. We decided to up my Vin from 50% to 75% and just watch it. I'm really sensitive to Vin and DEX, if my previous infusion of liquid hate was any indication.

I asked about my topical experiments, and the onc said if it works for me then great, he can't argue with the results. Not much of a discussion. Once again, I found that the nurses are FAR more interested in the shit I'm doing. The guy I talked to thought it was pretty cool, and said that if it's edema then the lactic acid is probably the one doing most of the heavy lifting. Makes sense, and looking at the drainage amount vs how much lactic I'd used, it lines up as well. I looked around a few places for a top up of lactic acid for further testing, but I can't seem to find it anywhere anymore. Forgot to tell onc that my confusion in the shower after the first treatment was my forgetting to turn the water temperature down, and the resulting vertigo combining badly with the chemo side effects.

Acquired the Akynzeo pill for tomorrow. Picked up some food, a new bamboo steamer, and some shampoo the worker rec'd at the supplement/health store I went to before. Had another incident with the cashier at the market where she didn't know what the fuck I was; the mask covers some of my more racially-incongruous features and no one in the market even gives me a second look when I have it on. Cashier struck up a convo and was surprised I was born here. "You look just like us". Well yeah, it's leafland, you can be anything. Guess I can add "Chinese" to my list of Shit People Think I May Be, a bit more specific than the trademark "some kind of Asian" I'd get at my other job. The lack of an epicanthic fold throws them off a lot in these cases, I've noticed. Tried to call my phone provider but the customer service line just automatically hangs up on you now, so I guess I'll have to deal with them via website chat to get this sorted out.

The Sandalore arrived in the mail along with my newly-approved health card. The oil smells pretty strong, so it's not difficult to keep the scent around for the hair receptors to grab. I kept hearing "you smell like sandalwood" all evening. We found a local bakery to replace the one we had to move away from. Apparently the cinnamon rolls don't compare but their bread is amazing. I'm on a fast, so this is all hearsay from a certain person who ate an entire half of a sourdough loaf in one go, and a certain person who went against their junk limitation declaration, enjoying all those desserts in excess. Went for a walk and gathered some plants for the mice to play with (desk mouse demolished her chamomile flower immediately), did my stretches, taught bread-roomie how to use a steamer. Put on some hair oil so it all soaks in and the stronger scents dissipate since I don't want to make other patients ill. When everyone goes to bed I'm left only with the encroaching dread of having to go in and get more toxic shit pumped into me again. It's a weird thing, not being particularly social but needing someone around in order to avoid the deep-think brood that overtakes you. I don't like the cancer tumors, but I hate the chemo way more. It feels wrong in an artificial way, different from the wrongness of the disease. This horrible aversion that comes from somewhere deep and primal. I never want to go in, but here we are.

June 16: Applied some biotin serum to scalp, did some cardio with lots of kicks to loosen my legs up. Within 10 minutes of taking the DEX, my limbs start to feel heavy. By 20, they hurt a bit and my mouth is dry, start to feel really fatigued. My neck starts to hurt, breathing makes me feel a tightness across my throat. If what the DEX adds to the cure rate is "not much" with an increased dose of Vinblastine, I question why I have to take this garbage at all. I went from 7 pills to 3, and the only thing I noticed is that I can actually walk because the swell isn't as bad, I hurt less, I can sleep when I'm tired, and I don't have shortness of breath as much. All it does it harm. I just started walking with most of the limp gone and now I have to do this all over again.

Saw a license plate on the way there that said just IFW, but it looked like TFW. I felt it. There was another one that matched the name of the guy's repair business decal on the side, but the logo was in Comic Sans so it looked ridiculous. The screening person recognized me from yesterday. Got a nurse that was okay but that I didn't mesh with. You know, normalfags. She made joks that weren't particularly funny but made decent launchpads if I got the chance. I think because I'm deadpan and don't do the polite laugh thing put her off, doesn't help I'm stressed to hell and back. She mentioned that by now, usually people lose all their hair and it was unusual that I still had a full head of it. Experiment is bearing fruit.

We tried the left arm, but even when I got my last treatment on my right, the left ended up hurting. Maybe it's the edema? We tried poking it but it hurt a ton so we switched arms. Turns out pretty much every poke she made hurt like a damn, and the few times it didn't, she started twisting the needle around like she was digging or gold and that usually did it. We got one that continued to hurt a lot even after the needle was in, not a good sign which I tried to say, but the blood return was good. I got her to pull it out a little since having it in all the way made the needle end hurt a lot, pulling it back a bit stopped that particular poke. We did the A push, and we had to make it VERY slow and diluted compared to the last time because the area was so sensitive. Then the Vinblastine was a drip this time instead of a push, and that hurt as well. By now my arm feels really swollen around the injection site even if it doesn't look it, and there's discoloration I don't like from premature bruising.

It took 2 hours to get through them, and then came the Dacarbazine. This shit is caustic enough to eat through the floor in its pure form. When we started the IV, I felt the burn inside and I've never felt that before. It started as a band around where the needle entered, and it would go up to my elbow on the inside, like a chemical is burning you. Means it was damaging the vein, probably. We tried a few times with extra dilution, but no-go. The burn was always there, just less immediately intense. So they had to move the injection site. I'd already been poked a million times, so this was tricky. The normalfag nurse tried a few more times, but she seems to have a knack for always hitting exactly the wrong spots and it hurt every time. The last one was okay, but then she started twisting around again and it got pushed in too far on the last twist, which made my arm reflexively jerk back. She pulled it out with this and said she was done trying and that she doesn't like torturing people.

A nurse on the floor that sometimes works pediatrics gave it a try on the outside of the arm where I'd said to try the first time. She found a vein without much pain, but it "blew" which is what they say when they can't seem to get it to stay there and get uptake from it, basically. It was a good effort. Next came the nurse that they called the shark, since she was a shark at finding veins. She found one on the outside that hasn't been poked and risked leakage, and while the initial entry hurt through the thicker skin (expected), it didn't afterward. A nurse that works with my onc came down. He spoke all soft and agreeable, and pretty much lowkey encouraged me to die by saying I can quit at any time. I dunno what the doc's angle is, but the unintentional dark humor was enough where I didn't call him out. I just hope he doesn't try that with anyone else who hasn't had their humor twisted by decades of awful shit since, judging by all the "hang in there" crap on the walls it probably wouldn't go well. When the D drip started, and it hurt initially around the forearm and elbow from all the swelling by IV site #1whenever the Dac cycled through between cold saline flushes, but that eventually faded as my poor arm got a break from the shitty IV placement. I just apparently have a lot of nerves and valves, and my inner arms are really sensitive. I know for a fact you can do whatever you want to the outsides when they're not swollen up, the skin is just tougher.

Due to the extra time, I had to be moved to another floor that was open later to finish this bullshit. Apologized to normalfag nurse for pseudo-traumatizing her with all the shitty horrendous pain before I left. Looks like Shark works that floor, since she was behind the desk the whole time. Turns out I left my emergency phone in the bed downstairs as I"m not used to having one, and it had gotten sent to laundry. Normalfag nurse managed to dig it out and said I owe her my first-born. I said she's gonna be waiting a long time, but I could do something else (semi-joke). She said it was fine, but that's just a challenge. Given how she's a paranoid neat freak, I'll probably avoid snacks and go for something made of paper where COVID couldn't live long. I paced and walked the whole time, useful when I had to go to the bathroom and makes my leg hurt less. They had me on double saline bags, so this was the first time I tasted it. Kind of like that slightly stale taste you get when you wake up in the night dehydrated with a dry mouth, the kind that makes water taste fresh and sweet.

My leg had started to feel like it was packed with cotton partway through, and everything was swollen by the end including my fingers and face. Looked in the mirror and I look like hell. Back of my left knee hurt a lot. As usual, I was very tired near the end, and that's how I know I don't have much left. Paced and walked a lot, but leg kept on swelling. In total, I stayed about 2 hours later than usual due to all the sensitivity shit that probably could have been avoided if we'd just used a vein on the outside like I wanted initially. Funny how much smoother shit goes when people actually listen. Went home, on the drive my calf started doing the cramping mambo again. Pains around the abdomen in the cradle of the pelvis. Mouth still dry despite being pumped with several liters of liquid. Water tastes sweet again. It didn't at first, but it slowly started to from the left side of my tongue. Less fatigue this time, but more heart palpitations during the drip, which can be chased away with some breathing tricks and small coughs. Now I just need to piss a lot and find more lactic acid.

The treadmill was a good idea. The cycle is great if you just need to make your legs move and get your heart up, but it doesn't beat using your muscles to stand and move. Shame the belt slides over to the left every 5 minutes and needs to be adjusted with my right foot. Not sure how much the gait abnormality is affecting it. Tuned it with an allen key and it seems to have fixed it. Put some more hair oil on, walked on the treadmill for a while. Made a ghetto bandage binding for my face/around my jaw to see if it helps, even if it looks retarded. Arm was good but the first IV site has started to hurt on and off. The first site is still sore and bruised with visible irritation next to it, and site #2 had a bruise but it's already healed. My healing factor only seems to apply to anywhere by the underarms, the scale missing from my under-armor. Not hungry per se, but I am craving certain foods, the kind of "that would be nice" urge you can easily ignore. Noticed I'm on twice on June 30th for systemic, so I'll have to call and get that straightened out.

Gonna try walking on the treadmill for 20-30 minutes every hour to give my legs a chance to also rest between activity. The last round left me so exhausted that I couldn't lift myself off the couch all day, and it took a lot of prep to finally stand up and make myself go to bed, so that likely contributed to the swell getting as bad as it did. After trying the plan a couple times, some fatigue started to settle, and while I knew I could probably still do 20 minutes, I'd be pretty tired as a result, so I stuck to around 10 instead, with some topical lactic acid application. Hours later, my left ankle hurt most but the swelling is definitely down, and I can remove that ring I was wearing finally. Legs still get stiff and heavy if I sit too long and let shit gather, though. Face also went down, though the skin on either side of my nose is red, making me look like I have Oblivion-style nasolabial lines. Guess that's why the nurses guessed my age as a bit older than usual, and it remains a reliable way to track how I'm doing health-wise and also get mildly annoyed when everyone keeps saying the cancer such a shame since I'm "so young". It's useful for fucking with people, though.

Haven't lost much hair today unlike the previous round, at least so far. A couple eyebrows and eyelashes. It's interesting how it affects different parts of my body. Scalp is the most obvious, and I definitely shed more than usual. The worst of it is always when I bathe, so cleaning the scalp gently is necessary. I lose some eyebrows, but the other ones just grow back as the others leave, making this bizarre but somewhat-coherent replacement within the pattern of the arch. Eyelashes come out in small amounts of 1-5 and it's not enough to really notice visually, but the ones that haven't fallen out (most of them) are longer than they were before. Half of down under is simply missing with no further explanation. The steroids made more hairs appear on my legs, but the chemo prevented them from growing much. I shaved the hairs as an experiment and it takes like 2 weeks to see them return even a bit. Arms are similar with no noticeable extra growth and grow back a bit quicker, same with under the arm. Can't comment on facial hair since, like roomie prime, I just don't deal with that shit. He shaves all of his off. There's no beard or mustache in the house, only mouse whiskers on the smallest members.


June 17: Woke up very early and couldn't sleep again. Brushed teeth and laid back down anyway, until I could get a few more hours of sleep. The swell came back, and some of the bloat. The one in your face gathers around the jaw and pulls your face's skin down, makes you look crappy every time, like you want to order tapioca off the seniors' menu. Had some pain and tingling in my right heel a couple times last night, a longer bout when I'd laid down. I don't have it now, but my left knee hurts again. Took some baking soda water and read a book for an hour to let it settle before taking the DEX. Went with 2 just to see if I actually do have a handle on keeping the side effects under control. Half hour later and I'm getting some gas and more bloat already. Washed face, applied oil. Time to call systemic, my phone provider, and make use of that treadmill.

The mixup with systemic was pretty easy, they just forgot to take the initial booking off the schedule before they printed it. As usual, the phone support provider was an absolute pain in the ass to get ahold of, but they sorted shit out. Turns out my bank turned on two-step verification for the entire site and it was using my old phone number that hasn't been active in like 3+ years, so that was another call. Their menus were very long, but the dude who picked up got shit solved pretty quick. No more calls, thank fuck. Neighbor had an extra cupboard laying around, so I also have a pantry now.

As of right now, the big tumor in my neck feels like it's gone, there's just this flat mass of dead tissue sitting there. The smaller ones above it are still about the size of a pea and very slightly raise the skin. They've been like that for a while, and don't seem to want to budge. I can't tell if they're just permanently enlarged, or packed with dead tissue, or not responding. They always feel bigger right after a cycle of chemo due to the swelling and extra fluid being drained, so I dunno. I'm pretty sure none of the topical stuff I'm using interacts with this regimen, I tried to be careful about that.

Both knees hurt, and my calves are starting to look like grapefruits. Starting on the bike for 100 cycles loosens them enough where I can use the treadmill. Neck feels like it's an inflatable collar, can feel the chest tightness again. It's all fluid swell. Thankfully my lungs seem unaffected. Had to walk around the block a few times until I could use the perma-inclined treadmill for more than 10 minutes. The neutropenia is hitting he pretty good, and I feel out of breath a lot when I walk or talk. Bottom of my left foot swelled up enough where the modest arch of my running shoes were digging into it pretty bad. Hilarious, while the left is still worse pain-wise and is more stubborn, since it was bound this whole time the right calf is actually the bigger one now. Fucking hate DEX, can't believe it of all things is being touted as a possible gate to a COVID cure. Better hope those doses are lower than the 4-8g I take, one of the side effects can be shortness of breath after all. Enjoy your fucking swelling. Least I think it's doing something; feeling lots of unpleasant twinges around the neck and chest area where the tumors are.

Water still has that vague, unpleasant sweet taste. I crave sour shit a lot for some reason despite its taste being mellowed a lot by all this, no idea why. I've been addicted to mustard throughout this.Guess I'll have to add some to something when I break the fast. Had a bath, was worried that all the hair I didn't lose on treatment day would happen in the tub but it was about the same as every other bath. The epsom salts really do help with the edema.


June 18: DEX kept me up since it doesn't let you sleep. Desk mouse didn't want to go back in her cage, so we stayed up together. Broke my fast when the sun was up, which was fairly early in the day. Coconut water and that vegetable broth I made. Intestines woke up. Had some bone broth afterward. Everything has woken up and refuses to sleep. Had fish, all of this took about 2 hours with the pauses. Waiting for another hour to pass for an actual small meal, I fell asleep at my desk and 2 ended up going by. Woke up to a very swollen foot/ankle on the left, close to same on the right, and my right eye not focusing properly. No more DEX, I think. It doesn't hurt, but it's making reading things further away a chore. I'll wait and see if it goes down on its own with the rest of the edema. Had some food and water, used the cycle a bit before sleeping to try to pump some shit out of my legs.

Woke up a couple times, but managed a collective 8 hours. Swelling in calves is down, ankle on left has gone down, ankle on right went up. Swapped bindings. Blurring in right eye still present but much less pronounced. Trying to fix malfunctioning fridge, think it may actually be the thermostat for the lower part. I THINK I have it working again, but we'll see. Cleaned self up, applied hair oil, had some more coconut oil and bone broth. I can feel where there's extra fluid settled in me like usual, and it's a disgusting feeling. Did some stretches to try to work it out.

Had a semi-normal meal; never start with red meats, fibrous vegetables, stuff that causes gas, grains like wheat, or dairy if you can. Stick with stuff that's easy to digest, high in vitamins and proteins, fats are fine. I go broth --> broth --> fatty fish/shellfish --> simple carb + seaweed + fish --> broth --> simple carb + fermented vegetable/protein + poultry --> grapes/berries. So far, anyway. I should be able to graduate to less limited fare when I wake up next. Eye blur is ALMOST gone. Had a session of scalp itch that I immediately applied oil to. Lost some hairs, but looks like I caught it early. Was gonna lift some things and try to get some sleep, really fucking tired. Ended up passing out at desk. Will lift during stream, I guess.


June 19: Feeling really tired today. Woke up to a puffy face and lots of dry skin around my nose for some reason. Swell in my legs is down, but not the ankles. Right seems worse in that regard. Rather than a fat deposit around the middle, it's more like a thin band of fluid. It's like having a thin belt with liquid in it laying across your midsection, like a partially-filled rubber glove but smaller. Most of the hair under the belt is just kind of not there; I haven't found any in my bed or clothes, so where the fuck it's going is anyone's guess. It wasn't in the bath water, either. Head hair is holding out, though. Eyebrows always thin slightly each treatment then start growing back immediately. Neck's sore around the base, feels swollen but can't tell if it is by sight. Avoiding taking Naproxen due to the edema and it being known to also cause vision problems, sometimes, so I'd rather not combine them for now. Had some eggs and toast and stuff. IV arm really hurts around the first site.

Taking it slow with activity wind-up, making use of the cycle and treadmill to slowly get myself up to a form where I can do some stretches and then maybe move shit. It's been hours since I got out of bed, but it still feels like I just woke up. Seems like each treatment is fairly different, but every single one kicks the shit out of you.