Feb. 19 updates

Feb 13: Changing my shirt greatly eased the itching along my abdomen and brought the redness down a bit, but it's still notably red. Slight itching above ears and on the scalp as it is affected by the back of my neck. Worst area is right shoulder; I'd poked the area and it hurt along the surface, like there was a pimple there. It's been days and the same pain is still present. Moving the skin around and poking seems to confirm that the pain has to do with a tiny ingrown-hair-sized surface bump that I can feel but not see much of (admittedly, partly due to its location). Wiped everything down with apple cider vinegar. There's a breakout of bumps around my right eye, only one of whom I can confirm is a pimple. I miss when these were rare. There's a similar bump on my left hand's middle index knuckle, looking like a bug bite but couldn't be one.

I hope this isn't a resurgence of the lymphoma and is just an unfortunate, reversible consequence of being a day late with my last shower. Things always seem to happen on Saturdays. Makes getting timely information to the few people interested in my status a week-long ordeal.

UPDATE: It is an inflammatory response, and a well-known one that I'd completely forgotten about since it's not an issue that I've had to deal with personally until now. I ate a few raw shiitake mushrooms along with some other fungi in a mixed experiment to help assuage my digestive problems (it worked). Raw shiitake are known to cause some nasty erythematous rashes in band patterns, exactly like the one that's grown on my shoulder and abdomen. It's itchy, kinda painful, and very reddish. Putting pure aloe on it seems to help a bit, as does eating fresh, raw turmeric.

If you ever want to get out of school or work, just eat a few raw shiitake mushrooms, but be aware that you can get the shits or fuck with your mucus membranes if you react badly to it. As much as I hate wine and the smell of it, I really like the similar smell and taste of raw shiitake. It took me 3 full servings to get a rash, so your mileage may vary.

Feb 14: Everything is very itchy, red, and hurts to touch. It's like a normal itch until you actually scratch the area, then (no matter how gently you do it) it feels like it's been rubbed raw with the edge of a huge, sharp blade and feels like you have no layers of skin left. I slept for a ton of time, which brought down the general itch, but didn't stop it from getting redder and spreading all across my upper body, limbs, hands, and face. Nothing quite gets you like red, itchy bumps on your eyelids and within your outer ear canal. It's also spread to my more sensitive areas, so any trips to the local WC are an experience in extreme care. It's added swelling to its repertoire around my shoulders and neck. The right side of my neck in particular has evolved from a small, zit-like contact-pain to a swollen mess that throbs upon contact. I'm not even going to comment on what my face looks like beyond "every disease seems to be determined to make sure it tries to mess with what I look like in some way". It feels like someone glued sandpaper to it from my forehead down. Also it's definitely on my scalp and rather itchy there when touched. The abdominal redness is still the worst overall, and looking at the location it seems to be because of the contact of my pants' waistband with my hips/stomach. It's not tight at all, so perhaps the constant touch/rub of the fabric is keeping it unhappy; I'll try wearing something tighter or switch to a robe. When I press upon the swollen left neck area, I can feel an enlarged lymph node in there. I think it's just a result of the general swelling in the area, so hopefully that goes down. Seems like whenever shtf, my right neck and shoulder are the first areas to get hit.

Feb 15: The intensity of the redness has gone down, but the more uniform pink replacement has spread to nearly everywhere. Most of the discomfort is centered around my hands and just below the belt (not on THAT area specifically, which thankfully only has a minor presence), and unfortunately includes my ass cheeks. You know, for that added primal cavebilly feeling whenever you catch yourself about to unconsciously and futilely scratch your ass. All I can think is that it's a good thing I have no general over-arching compulsion for any variety of fap like certain members of some chats I'm in. This one hentai VN motherfucker would probably shrivel up and blow away if he were in this position, and if he's reading this I fully welcome the ribbing that this indirect mention will result in (fucking fight me you low-T degenerate coward). As it is, it just causes some easily-ignored level of discomfort in the bathroom.

My limbs and right leg in particular are covered in petechiae through this, with the left just kinda... swollen. I've put a binding on it as a precaution, but this seems to be confirmation that this toxic reaction got my poor immune system involved. My fingers are all knobbly and uncomfortable including the fingertips; it's like a more advanced version of the weird allergic reaction I'd get working retail in summer. I can also feel it on my tongue a little. The swelling seems to be going down by quite a bit. Some of the drier bumps are beginning to kind of just... fall off. Spent most of the awake portion of the day organizing files I've been too distracted to touch; freed up about 500GB on my hard drive.

 

Feb 16: Neck no longer painful to touch. That small, initial "zit" pain is still SORTA there but not very strongly. More like an echo as it fades, and I have to dig around to even find it. I can't feel the lymph node on my right neck anymore no matter how much I press, so it seems to have gone down. My face is still a bit swollen and definitely way more dry than it should be. The general pinkness across the body is fading more, nearly absent in all areas except my face and legs (my stomach has faded, but switched to a purplish color instead of pink, kaing it look like scars at a distance). Where my right leg connects to my hip is really uncomfortable, like it needs to be cracked bad, but the cause seems to be a swollen lymph node in that area. These are nodes that are the most frequently swollen, and in come cases permanently enlarged, in regular folk due to all of the bacteria that live around your crotch. Like the nodes on my neck, they don't seem to have enlarged more than what's usual for a healthy swelling. It's around where the worst of the redness terminates from my abdomen downward, so it's likely related to that. Looking around, shiitake toxic reactions can cause lymphatic swelling in people, so my initial "this is temporary" feeling seems to be correct. Let's hope it continues being so.

 

Feb 17: Switching to the softest waistband I have seems to have helped equalize the abdominal area. It looks less like I've been whipped soundly across the contact area and is fading into a more general-area pink. The area around my nose and mouth is still pretty discolored. Heavy moisturizing both makes it feel better and sting like a thousand angry scorpions. The corners of my mouth have the same bruised tone as the other bad areas did, which is weird. Just looks like I had a bad case of acne or something.

Feb 18: Still look like shit, but most of the rash across the body is gone. There's lingering pink spotting, along with a lot of petechiae on my limbs and the middle of my chest, but it no longer feels like I've removed my own skin every time I touch any part of me. I can't feel the lymph node down below anymore, but all along the major channels of my lymphatic system feel sore, all the way up to the back of my head. I've been kind of kneading the neck and shoulders to both keep some of the bullshit down and feel for more swelling.

Feb 19: Still some petechiae on my face, chest, and limbs. There was a deep, under-skin itch that worked its way through my body, starting at my left shoulder and working its way down into my chest and stomach, so I got to play the game "is it Hodgkin's again or is it just lentinan poisoning?" Dry skin on face is dusting off. Had the unique experience of needing to brush my eyebrows with a toothbrush, though the skin wasn't dry in that case. Still getting occasional, random stabbing pains under the ribs and around the abdomen. It doesn't seem connected to any one activity and you can never predict when they'll occur.

EDIT: Nevermind, found the lymph node in my left hip-leg crux again. It's just not swollen to the point of pain anymore. That said, the itching in the middle of my chest over where the biggest tumor was, as well as the ache in my left shoulder joint, don't seem to want to abate.

Feb 12 Updates

 Jan 30: Heartbeat still fast, but at least it's not crazy like before. Fasting truly is a magical thing. Abdomen distended, hoping this isn't ascites or tumors. Possible cancer in Peyer's Patches? Some sort of inflammation, pain in center of abdomen around bladder when pushed. Possible lack of peristalsis, going to attempt to induce through diet and massage.

 Jan 31: Digestive tract simply feels like it's dead, though it's apparently working. Sticking with plan to wake it up. Simply need to encourage the natural muscle function and wave-like contractions that keep things moving in the first place. Hollowing of right side of face completely non-apparent and recovered. Gums still extremely sensitive; anything touching them is like being stabbed in the mouth. Have to chew on left side.

Feb 1: Self-therapy appears to be working consistently. Abdomen still swollen but no longer packed from the inside. Stomach still sometimes hurts when filled but feeling better otherwise. Continuing action and monitoring.

Feb 2: Fuck, it works too well. Go back, captain.

Feb 3: Attempting to equalize, system seems to slowly be recovering.

Feb 4: Digestive tract cannot decide if it wants to stop or go, but at least it's starting to get the message. Random leg swell, not as bad as during chemo but it's there. Tired of waking up with my left arm asleep but it's been that way since chemo. I dunno why, but Sensodyne always hurts my gums before it numbs them. I put some of it on the affected area, wait, feel intense pain, then it goes away enough where I can (very, very gently) rub the area with a soft toothbrush. What the fuck is its problem? Is it because it stimulates the nerves before numbing them?

 Feb 5: Everything cash money, baby. Still trying to identify for certain what the abdominal swelling is and what it's caused by. Some is possibly lymphedema, but the bulk of the swell is from inside the abdominal cavity and is painful when pushed. Semi-consistent pain when pushing center around bladder.  It appears when pushed more often than not, but then it'll just randomly disappear when being examined, with the feeling of gas moving through the intestines. Right gums still sensitive, feels like they're being stabbed if touched with toothbrush bristles, but it's not as intense as during or right after the fast.

Feb 6: Bad, stabbing pains from shoulder, down left side. Sometimes happens in bed, sometimes sitting.  Warn roomie in case it's a heart attack or something, but the positioning isn't correct for that. I think the tendons pushed out of the way in my shoulder by the neck tumor may be slipping back into their previous positions. That feels much more correct, deep in my bones. It's a very unpleasant process and it seems unhappy about it. It's a similar, less intense version of the debilitating pain along my left that I experienced after my first dose of bullshit. My left jugular has been misaligned after the tumors, but it's looking a lot more normal during all of this. Lips weirdly pale.

Feb 7: Pain very bad when it happens. Feels like a layer of small glass shattering along the nerves, pulses, then disappears. Make it a point to sit around other members of the household in case something does go wrong and I need to be rushed somewhere. Neck looks pretty much normal.  Turns out lips weren't pale, it's a layer of dead skin that refuses to dry out. Not sure where it came from, but you can roll off soft bits of it. I think I know what this is now, and I'm not worried anymore. I don't know if it has a name, outside regeneration.

Feb 8: Shoulder seems to have calmed down, digestion is probably as good as it's going to get at this point. Mouth feels weird.

Feb 9: Been removing both soft and dry dead skin from lips all day, the last of it. Pulled swatches of it out of my mouth. It's not because of acidic food or anything, it's just been many years while since I've seen this phenomenon so aggressively in action. Some of the pieces of dead skin are as big as coins. Spike in heartbeat.

Feb 10: Mouth seems to be done shedding, right gums still a little tender because of the new skin but I can brush them directly without any real pain. This was unthinkable just a day or so before, for weeks. The serpent sheds its skin. Abdominal bloat uncomfortable but everything smooth otherwise. Heart still fast.

Feb 11: Heartbeat still high, occasional pain pulse from abdomen. I enjoy being able to brush my teeth. Tired of feeling my pulse all the time again at a higher speed, manage to mentally hijack some nerves for a fun trick and slow it down a bit. Give it a Push. Not sure if it'll permanently take but this is what experiments are for.

Feb 12: Heartbeat still somewhere between after-fast slowness and its recent speed up. Woke up with a pain around center of chest, heart, and left pectoral. After fucking around a bit, seems to still be related to tendon fuckery. Next experiment will be attempts to drain abdominal cavity. Napped before stream, woke with a very vivid petechiae patch on left jaw. Had an itchy area a couple days ago on my right shoulder, now it's also in the middle of my chest, back of my neck, and across my lower abdomen where my pants waist meets skin.

January 29 Updates

 Before fasting:

• heartbeat very hard
• heart rate between 2 and 2.5 beats per second
• noticeable pain in right side around liver, occasional in left, mostly located in hips and abdomen
  
• lots of fatigue, inability to walk or stand for short periods, have to take a break to complete shower
  
• bloating, indigestion, &c.
• joint pain and swelling 
• gums okay
  

 During fast:

• heartbeat very hard, shakes bed consistently
• heart rate between 2.5 and 3 BPS
• oddly magnified side pains, up in some ways, down in others
  
• increased weakness, have to take 3 breaks to complete shower
• decreased bloating but still present
• joint pain absent
• bad gum recession, painful 
• right cheek hollowed, left retaining shape due to insufficient lymphatic drainage
  

After fast:

• sporadic, infrequent spikes in heartbeat strength, harder than normal but mostly unconscious
• heart rate between 1.5 and 2 BPS
• side pains less severe but more consistent, generally does not interfere with activities
• weakness greatly reduced, easy workouts possible
• increased bloating, constipation?
• joint pain mostly absent
• gums recovering 
• cheeks as even as can be hoped for, surprisingly fast recovery in this regard
  

 

Possible causes for abdominal distress:

• tumors/metastasis
• leaky gut?
• nerve damage/poorly-repaired damage from chemo
• intestinal damage from difficulties with first treatment
• long term issues from unnecessary nausea medications during early treatments
• magnesium deficiency?
  
• poorly-recovered gut biome

Abdomen solid but malleable to touch, like a sack of wet clay. Passage within does not feel normal. Skin over top strangely thick and squishy, not fat alone, possible lymphedema; greater swelling in this regard recorded around left eye. Organ pain reduced with use of fasting and concentrated vegetable servings, issues with digestion increased. Current self-experimentation in progress with repopulation of gut bacteria and hyper focus on possible nutritional short-comings.

Now that my notes are out of the way, there's some kind of pill clinical trial in the city. It was supposed to have rolled out last year when I was in treatment, back when I first asked if there were any clinical trials exactly of this sort available. The pandemic stalled it a year. Had it been on time, I may have been able to completely dodge all the bullshit I went through and am still attempting to recover from. As such, I can now join the masses in finally having a personal reason to despise this virus. I don't know if I qualify anymore since I quit treatment rather than it failing, and I'm unsure of it's progress as I only have my own personal bodily and medical experience to go by. I'd be subject to more tests and prodding, and who knows what kinds of side effects with such drugs. It would also mean going back to that horrid, smelly torture pit of despair and shattered dreams.

I've no further use for the location. I've no desire to alternately be ignored and treated as a numbered piece of meat. Let others volunteer themselves to the test table, the clipboards, the endless drip. I succeed or die as myself.

January 19 Updates

I've been avoiding putting anything here, or anywhere for that matter. I just wanted to concentrate on doing my own thing and maybe healing up. My lower digestive system hasn't been the same since my first treatment, and my heart rate still goes up any time something moves on from my stomach. Around my second cycle, there was a small but persistent pain beneath my lower ribs on both sides that never really went away and only got stronger. Nothing showed on the scans, mind.

In December, my heart rate shot up again and has only gotten worse. My resting heart rate, when healthy, used to be pretty low; it could be used to rather dependably measure the passage of seconds, though not exactly. It never really went back to normal after those chemo cycles, but it did slow some. It is now between 2-3 times faster than my original base rate before this farce of a drama. It's beating hard enough to rock my body if I attempt to sit very still. This is not a good sign as, if it's the cancer again, it means my organ systems are being taxed once more.

 My petechiae are back; they'd contented themselves with appearing only sparsely and rarely on an arm or thereabouts, but there's a consistent outbreak in that same spot on my left jaw as before the chemo. My chest also mildly aches from time to time, and my sternum is sensitive and slightly sore to the touch. Some of my hair has grown back, but not a lot and not quite as before. I regularly get small pimples now, which were a rarity before all of this. My insides feel and my face looks as though I've suddenly aged 20 years within a span of only one.

All of my joints are crackling and some of them are painful. The pain in my jaw is back, as are my shoulders, neck, and knees. The topmost digit of my left index finger seems slightly swollen on one side, though solid to the touch; it may be some sort of arthritis brought on by the chemo. That's not uncommon, sadly. Around the hip joints, pain continues on and off depending on its whims, though I know that if I could crack them as I do with my shoulders the pressure would ease. Eating anything results in some rather dour discomfort once it begins digestion in earnest. The pain in my sides is noticeable, though much more pronounced on my right side, particularly when I twist in such a way as to compress the ribs.

I'm concerned this may have spread to my liver, which would be Stage IV cancer, the pain on my left possibly a swollen spleen. I can't feel anything when examining myself, and neither hurt when I push on them. The stabbing pain I get only when contorting myself seems isolated to around the mid-back, connected with the ribs and hip, too odd of a location to be liver infection. Much of the pain seems to radiate from around the hips upward, so I'm hoping it's just that combined with my stubbornly-concrete tendons, which seem to dislike stretching lately.

Currently, I am in the middle of a fast, my first in earnest since treatments were active and I know very well I should have started again sooner. I'm hoping it alleviates some of the problems and, if we may hope, help my immune system to notice something is awry now that it doesn't have bags upon bags of painful poison being pumped through it and killing off all of my useful cells. So far, though my heart rate is variable, it is not as fast nor as strong as it was a few days ago, and most of the discomfort around my intestinal area has quietened down. Despite this, I'm still having to use my experience with older experiments with my heart rate and breathing that originate from a more light-hearted era of health, back when I was delighted to find how easy it was to make yourself overheat and merely used it to keep myself warm when dozing off in a draughty room in winter.

With all of this on the table, I would like anyone interested to come forward in the chat to inherit the channel, if they so wish. They can use it for whatever they like, or just keep the login info in a forgotten file somewhere, a digital relic gathering dust from an earlier time when all we had to worry about was whether moot pissed off /b/ enough to make them rampage across the site, and if we could manage to stay awake for a 24-hour new year's marathon of Muppets and cartoons. Given that our current hub on cytube seems to be the target of not a few DDoS attacks and its various clones are unstable, it may be a limited-time trophy.

Regardless, I don't at all regret deciding to start streaming that one November 5 in 2010, lining up a bunch of treasure-themed movies and getting to know other people on the board. It's resulted in a nice group of friends that all seem to have tied together nicely, even if they don't always see eye-to-eye in less important matters. I'm happy to see how the stream has brought you all together for over a decade now. Even the ones that don't drop by anymore made some friends out of this, and all of you got to see films you likely never would have otherwise. Given my nature as well as my part in this, it seems natural that I never thought of myself as part of the group I'd inadvertently created. I was just happy to see you enjoying things and each other's company. When you came together to help me, it was the first time I felt like I had actual friends outside my limited personal contact list. Perhaps it seems strange to another, but it is simply how I am and what I am used to. Forgive a battered, broken paranoid.

Even if this stream goes away and I'm not around anymore, please keep being good to one another and yourselves. This world is full of terrible bullshit and adding more by choice isn't something any of you fine people would or should do. Time may be limited, so if you could like to be added to a will, please say so. You can PM me your details in the chat and I'll see what I can do about adding you to it. I don't have much of monetary value, but I've no one to leave most of it to and I'd rather see it go to a place where it will be loved/put to good use than someone from the government trying to impersonally claw what little I have away for whatever paltry sum they wish to pocket that day.

Please take good care of them. Each one is a memory and was part of me at some point. Friends, forever available and undying, there for me for most of my life when I had no others. For once, I may be the one leaving someone instead of the usual opposite, so I can only hope my new friends will look after them in my absence as they in turn experience the loss that has become so familiar to me. Thank you.