May 22 Updates

There's not much to say. I put off my treatment for the 19th to the 26th, and then told him to hold off one more week again. We both know it's pushing the cure rate down, but as I've repeatedly asserted to him, I care less about dying than living with permanent long term side effects. It seems it's very difficult to hammer this concept into the heads of normalfags, regardless of how many degrees they have. I'm still > < this close to throwing something out the nearest window and jumping out after it if I have to hear one more of them tell me to think positive or "It'll get better! :)))" The ones that should consider suicide are rarely the ones actually doing so.

Now that I've mostly gotten inflammatory loops under control, the past week has been spent assessing the damage done to me and seeing how much I can mitigate. No one seems to give much of a shit about the neuropathy or the effect it's had on my joints, so it's up to me. Many patients have recommended L-Glutamine to me, so I gave it a try, though I was warned it tastes bad. As far as I could see, it wouldn't have an effect on the chemotherapy drugs, but I let the onc know anyway for the sake of politeness

BONUS: despite outright saying I would be fasting around treatment times and then eating normally between, it seems he took that as "fasting throughout the entire process including recovery times", which is retarded. At least it explains why he thought I wasn't getting enough calories even when I was eating enough for 2 people. I'm highly tempted to switch oncologists.

He wanted me to take a triple dose of laxatives, despite it not having been even a full 2 days I'd been on it. I went for a dose that was 1.5-2 doses over the course of a few days and adjusted as necessary. This was a wise move and let me notice some things. The normal sensations in the lower digestive system you get when things move, that pushing-along feeling, were not present and had instead been replaced with this cramping painful sensation instead. It's faded over time, but I'm sure a good portion of my digestive issues were from neuropathy as well. The onden/dex just made things worse. It's mostly normal now, along with a few other bodily functions that had gone askew.

Took the glutamine over the weekend. The taste was barely present. Just this very vague, watered-down savory taste with a hint of sweetness that doesn't linger. The bizarre thing was that none of the taste was actually on my tongue; I could taste it with my cheeks, my gums, the back of my throat, but nothing was actually ON my tastebuds as you would expect. Never experienced anything like it. I didn't know what to expect, how long things would take, and what effects it would have on me specifically if any did happen, but by the next day my right hand's fingertips were more tender and I seem to have more feeling in them, so who knows. At the very least, it doesn't seem to be doing any harm.

I voluntarily halved my naproxen over the week, as well. No point in getting too reliant on it, plus I wanted to see how much of an effect it had. I had more shoulder cracks and heart flutters without it, but I eventually weaned off of it. I did have a pain in my throat when I swallowed for about 36 hours but I have no idea what caused it. Both chemo and naproxen can have that as a side effect.

I've managed to get walking semi-normally again, but it still feels like I have a peg leg. The knee on the left leg hurts and feels strange, and similar with the right ankle. While my left leg feels the worst, my right has some weakness I wasn't completely aware of until I tried doing some walking lunges. My legs are the primary reason I put off my treatment for these 2 weeks. If I have to go from running everywhere and lifting shit to painfully limping around and falling down stairs all the time, I think I'd probably jump off a cliff. Not one of those people who can do without their freedom of movement that puzzle me so much.

Other than that, just been working out and eating all the stuff I'd wanted to in slightly more concentrated amounts, with fatty fish in particular being a focus and I'd been feeling progressively better. The onc recommended supplementing B vitamins despite the questionable effect that they seem to have had in some treatment outcomes. He had a point; my plan was to eat a very balanced and nutrient-rich diet, but my B vitamins were probably depleted more than I expected and that's why I was craving the fuck out of the sardines/salmon I'd stocked up on, so I just nodded at the notes I'd taken before this whole fuckshow and doubled down on my plan. Added an adjustment to boost a few substances in particular when coming off the fast, with B among them. Gave a supplement a try, but didn't notice any significant difference between the supp and the fish. I'll use them regularly during the fasts just to bolster, or when I'm unable to eat maybe.

Mostly I just did calisthenics to stay in shape, but I'm doing an actual powerlift routine now. The steroid gave me some extra adipose around the midsection so it's time to turn it into muscle. Not much, but more than I'm used to. My shedding is about the same as it was last week, but my eyebrows seem to have slowed. The final result is that my hairline is a bit higher than it was originally. No one in the house notices this except me, and it both relieves and troubles me. There's also been some hair loss below the belt, but that part doesn't bother me.

Right now I'm on the hunt for acetyl-L-carnitine. Seems it was illegal, or at least restricted, in Canada up until fairly recently. The GNC that I'd gotten my L-glutamine from didn't have it in stock and said that the ones I saw on their site were likely US-only. The woman working was also, unfortunately, the one that turned me down for a job at that location instead of the chill guy I'd talked with last weekend. She'd enjoyed pre-judging me a fair bit before my job interview ("Haha, I thought with the sunglasses you were one of THOSE people!") and didn't at all like that I had to wear shades because of my eyes. It ultimately cost me the position, but she'd also rubbed me the wrong way immediately and seems the feeling hasn't changed. It's that involuntary hackle raise and cooling of disposition that comes over you.

She seemed to want me out, insisted they didn't have any ALC, and questioned why I wanted the ALC in a hesitant, mildly terse kind of way. Don't think she believed me when I told her it was for chemo neuropathy judging by her reactions, and my learning afterward that it can be addictive to some people/used for drugging purposes makes me think that she suspected I was an addict or something. I cursed my luck and she tittered nervously until I went out the door. Won't be going back there unless it's on a weekend, if I can help it. If you want to assume weird shit about people it says a hell of a lot more about you than it does me.

The health place just up the way from it says they have it in stock, and they're open later. I hailed the person on the phone as my savior, and hopefully I'll be able to pick some up tonight, provided it isn't prescription-limited. I don't think it is, but we'll see. Will report results.

EDIT: Got the shit no problem. Different person was working the till, but we chatted a bit and said my bone broth approach was likely better than getting anything in the store for collagen. I agree. The ALC powder capsules are pretty big.

 May 15: Heart rate slows, "loops" no longer occurring. Still very tired. Digestive system beginning to move properly again. Clinic with onc. Have a small heart rate spike while I'm there. Been eating fish a lot. Been on PEG for 1.5 days. Remaining shooting nerve pains, but nowhere near what it was before. Thanks, Naproxen. Legs are the most fucked, go for a walk. Helps, but takes a while for it and the lingering chest pain to fuck off.

May 16: Heart rate has occasional spikes, mostly normal. Assessing damage, push next treatment to May 26. Enjoy stream, but extremely pissed in general. Digestive system working, albeit slowly. Walk more, it's nice that I can now.

May 17: Start L-glutamine. Have some tingling in fingertips by the end of the day with some increased sensation, manifests more by the next day, not sure if related. Heart rate pretty much normal. Halve my Naproxen dose. Have more occasional heart flutters and shoulder cracks when I haven't had any for a while, but otherwise steady. Pain mostly gone, knee hurts sometimes. Right ankle also likes to fuck up. Add some biotin to assortment of shit I'm taking to help my outsides. Shorter walk to a sudden hammer of dread coming from a place I walk past, decide to go home early and do a home workout instead. Shame, since I found a place where little bats like to feed on insects.

May 18: Heart rate normal, pain mostly in left knee down and right ankle, still. Left's walking problems go up to hip, though. Digestion mostly normal, lots of gas. Do what I can for a lifting routine. Legs feel better.

May 19:  Not sore from workout, other than shoulders. Stretch. Use cycle a bit. Try the B12 supplement for kicks before bed.

May 20: Do a more intense workout. Triceps sore but it's a good sore. Knee feels like it has a hot nail being driven into it on and off. Think the DEX swell combined badly with the vin damage and fucked it up.

May 21: Rest day, stretching and cycle. Schedule's all weird because I'm trying to shift my sleep over for the clinic again, but I don't know if I'm going in or not at this rate. More on the fence than last time.

May 22: Stream day. Do an intense workout. Call onc, say I want to move the treatment again but I'm not sure. I know that 2 weeks is about as long as you want to go with lymphoma and he says so, himself. I've made some progress with my neuropathy but I'm not confident what I've done will stay if I dump for vin on top of it right now. It DEFINITELY wouldn't have gone well if I'd gone in on the 19th. Honestly answer that I haven't noticed any difference at all between the B12 supplement and my diet. Insists I keep taking it, probably because B deficiency is listed as a risk for developing neuropathy and that taking it will help. I haven't noticed anything with the supplements and the damn glutamine seems to have done more for it before I even started it, but I shrug and say sure. Start the ALC. Not sure if it'll make shit tingle like the glutamine did, but I don't feel anything yet. I do feel more focused for some reason, which is nice.