If a tree in a forest changes its quantum state and no one is around to observe it, does it really change?
So a neutrino walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind around here." The neutrino says, "Don't worry, I was just passing through."
Knock knock. // Who's there? // Two. // Two who? // It's "to whom".
A mathematician walks into a bar and asks for a pint. A few seconds later, 10 mathematicians walk in and ask for 10 pints. The bartender, visibly overwhelmed, exclaims "That's an order of magnitude!"
Heisenburg gets pulled over by the police. He looks up at the officer and says, "I know that I am in a bad position right now... but I have no clue what way or speed I was going!"
The officer, ignoring this strange remark asks, "You have any idea how fast you were going?"
To which Heisenburg responds, "No, but you do know where I was, so neither do you."
A Higgs-Boson walks into a church, and the priest says, "We don't allow Higgs-Bosons in here." The Higgs-Boson says, "But without me, how can you have mass?"
"Lets say something so abstruse only nerds will get it and find it funny."
"Okay, you start."
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Albert Einstein: "Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends on your frame of reference."
A friend of mine once said, "I don't have OCD, I have CDO; it's pretty much the same except the letters are in the right order."
I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.
Why do mathematicians always confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because 31 Oct = 25 Dec.
Q: What part of a triangle uses drugs?
A: The hypoteneuse. (high-pot-in-use)
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, "Give me a pint,", the second says, "Give me half a pint," the third says, "Give me a quarter of a pint," at which point the barman says, "You're all idiots," and pours two pints.
A software engineer, a mechanical engineer, and an electrical engineer are carpooling to work, when suddenly the car stops running and they pull over.
The mechanical engineer says, "I think it's a problem with the engine. I'll have to get out and inspect."
The electrical engineer says, "No, no. It's got to be an electrical issue. I will grab my meter and troubleshoot to find out what is going on."
The software engineer says, "Fuck all that. Let's just get out and get back in again."
"The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance." - Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory
Have you heard that entropy isn't what it used to be?
A woman walks up to a bartender and asks for a Double Entendre, so he gives it to her.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I named my penis. I guess I'll have to take Matters into my own hands...
Q: How many solipsists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What light bulb?
There are 1 kinds of people in the world. Those who know binary and those who don't.
"What does the cow say?" // "E/h"
I had some award-winning cows once. They were outstanding in their field.
An engineer walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner. He takes the bucket of water and pours it on the fire and puts it out.
A physicist walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner. He takes the bucket of water and pours it elegantly around the fire and lets the fire put itself out.
A mathematician walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner. He convinces himself there is a solution and leaves.
Is Hell exothermic or endothermic?
Three men walk into a bar and the whole scene unfolds in a series of events culminating in a futile inevitability.
An atom walks into a bar goes up to the bar and says to the bartender, “Gimmie a double I’ve had a bad day.” The bartender pours him a drink and says to the atom, “You look sad what's up?”
The atom replies, “I lost an electron today.” To which the bartender says, “Are you sure?”
The atom replies “I'm Positive.”
A neutron walks in to a bar and asks, “How much for a beer?” The bartender replies, “For you, no charge.”
Q: Two linguists were walking down the street. Which one was the specialist in contextually indicated deixis and anaphoric reference resolution strategies?
A: The other one.
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After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found
traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that
their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:
"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their
ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".
One week later, Canadian Dept. of Mines and Resources in Northern Canada reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Northern Canada in the Ontario region of Thunder Bay
Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely fuck all.
Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Canada had already gone wireless."
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No known species of reindeer can fly. But there ARE 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has seen.
There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions/beliefs, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.
Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second.
This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second --- 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.
The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them --- Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).
600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance --- this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.
Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.
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