FUCKING CHAPTERS

Seeing as I am having trouble importing some data into the TESeditor and my computer is currently unfit for anything more rigorous than a good, old-fashioned beat-down with a sledgehammer, one of the stream's reg's prayers will be answered and something new will be posted here. In this post. I think it will be about one of the great influences in my life: books.

I know, I know. "Reading?!" I can hear you exclaim incredulously before smashing your fist through the monitor like some kind of super Jet Li, "But that stuff is boring!" Just hear me out. It might be that it's just not your thing, or you're not that great at visualizing the stuff in the text, or that you're reading the wrong shit. Maybe something else. I dunno. It doesn't really matter since I'll have read the damn things and you just get to absorb the effects, like a technical problem you were having that someone else also had and that was answered coherently on a forum before you even knew it was a thing (rare, but isn't it great when it happens?). Despite the subject matter, this is still likely to get more feedback than any of my messages elsewhere.

Most communications I have with others end in either death threats, end of the world scenarios, or a Pokémon battle. 

Might do it a few times because, I dunno if you've ever been in a library, but there's a lot of books. Like, a lot of them. As it's not everyone's cup of hot leaf water, I'll try to keep this as entertaining as possible and allow you to steep in the warm... uh, water... of stuff that... not sure where this metaphor is going. Here's something that had words.

Sir Gawain and the Green Knight

Technically not a "book" (it's a long poem), it's still worth a read because, strip away the Middle English and swap the vernacular for modern casual talk, and it sounds like something you'd find on the internet and it's god damn hilarious. 

The Person:

King Arthur makes a brief appearance at the beginning of the book, but he's not all that important. The story is about one of his knights, Sir Gawain, who is either the most honest person ever about his short-comings or has some serious self esteem issues, while he faces off against a guy who really has a thing for green:

"Thagh ye yourself be talenttyf, to take hit yourselven,/ Whil mony so bolde youw aboute upon bench sytten/ That under heven I hope non hagherer of wylle,/ Ne better bodyes on bent ther baret is rered./ I am the wakkest, I wot, and of wyt feblest,/ And lest lur of my lyf, quo laytes the sothe:/ Bot for as much as ye myn em I am only to prayse,/ No bounté bot your blod I in my bodé knowe;/ and sythen this note is so nys that noght hit yow falles,/ And I have frayned hit at yow fyrst, foldez hit to me;/ And I carp not comlyly, let all this cort rych bout blame."

For those not hip to this particular spat of Middle English, Gawain basically just admitted that he should undertake the request (along with the reason), and that if they get mad that he offers, to not have the court take the blame. After listing the virtues of and just generally how awesome all of the other people are, he says that he is the weakest of them all and the dullest-minded, and that the only virtue he knows is in their blood, so if he dies it's not a big thing. This crazy amount of polite and humble combined with all of the virtue he shows later, and he's basically the nerdy author-insert-type of character in a modern cartoon.

"I say I'm not the strongest or the smartest, but I'm the hero so I regularly prove otherwise, sometimes against a crazy, green opponent who refuses to die while girls fall all over me."

The Story:

Part 1. This thing starts off with King Arthur throwing one hell of an office Christmas party, kicked off with a jousting tournament, because nothing welcomes in the holidays in the olden times like a king watching people participating in a sport that was banned by different king, and later killed another king by the same name. After shouting and smashing into each other on horseback the way real men once did, they decide to head back to the court to knock back a few and "dancing and song". The poem describes some kick-ass music and eating a ton of food, then all the rich people brought out their New Year's gifts. Oh yeah; all this apparently lasted for fifteen days, which outdoes Hanukkah by a full 3 days of celebration, and St. Patrick's by 8 days of getting completely trashed.

Presumably with far fewer people weeping into their mugs, but a marked increase in awkward morning afters.

Suddenly (or as suddenly as something can happen after 15 days of fucking around in a castle), some kind of sound snaps them out of it, and this HUGE guy on an equally-huge horse with red eyes rides into the middle of it all carrying a big-ass battle axe and a peace branch. Also, he and his horse were completely green, but that's not saying a lot because all of the knights were probably green by this point. A long description is given of how he and his horse look and what he's wearing, which basically shortens down to "huge, scary, and green with an awesome beard (him, not the horse, but can you imagine)" and "lots of green and gold with gems and shit".

Also he had a jet pack and beat Alan Scott in a will-off.

After letting everyone absorb just how intimidating he knows he must look, he asks for whoever is in charge so they can have a little chat. Arthur greets him and invites him to the part and they can jam later, because talking has no place in medieval parties. The green guy says no, and that he comes in peace, and only wants to play a game. As we all know that all games before the 60s were potentially lethal and the guy is carrying a giant green battle axe, you probably know where this is going.

"You threw up the arsenic, Billy, so you're out! Who's next?"

The idea he gives is for someone to hit him while he stands unarmed, and take an equal hit in turn after a respite of a year and a day. If someone's balls come anywhere close to the size of his, he'll give them his axe. Stunned by this proposition given by a green giant who appeared in the middle of the feast, no one answers right away, so he calls their manhood into question, which pisses off Arthur enough to make him answer and grab the axe to take a swing. It's at this point that Gawain (who was sitting by the King's wife) gets up and gives the previously-mentioned reasons about why no one will miss him if something goes wrong.

The King agrees and Gawain asks where the knight lives so he can go there to get smacked in return, but the knight answers he'll tell him after Gawain hits him. The green knight removes his armor and hands Gawain the axe, which is impressive, considering a lot of people squeal in terror near anywhere a needle. Gawain swings it and cuts the guy's head off, where it "flew from the neck to the ground, and many courtiers kicked at it as it rolled past" while blood squirted from the trunk on the body.

At our last party, one of the interns stole the last pizza slice and Brenda from IT threw up on the supervisor's desk.

Instead of falling over dead like some kind of pansy, he casually walks over, picks his head up by the hair, and gets back on his horse, before announcing that he'd better have his ass at the Green Chapel on next New Year's or be forever known as the world's biggest pussy, then rides off out of the castle again. After it settles on them just what the fuck happened, Arthur calmly turns to his wife and says, "Don't worry about it, weird stuff like this is fitting at Christmas," then tells Gawain to put the axe away and get back to partying.

Part 2. Apparently Gawain decided to put off dealing with it for almost the full year, and stays until All Saints Day (Nov. 1), when Arthur decides to throw a feast for him because if you're not constantly partying, then you're not in Arthur's court. After eating and getting farewells all day, Arthur gives him some awesome armor, which he puts on and gets atop his faithful (and newly-upholstered) four-legged steed, Gringolet.

With both he and his ride thoroughly pimped, he rides out into the shitty English November weather, where he has no good food and only his horse for company. Despite the deadline getting so close and the fact that he's pretty much miserable and exhausted, he still finds time to kick the asses of some of the wildlife, including, but not limited to, some bears.

"Sumwhyle wyth wormez he werrez, and with wolves als,/ Sumwhyle wyth wodwos that woned in the knarrez,/ Bothe wyth bullez and berez, an borez otherquyle,/ And etaynez that hym anelede of the hege felle;"

"Sometimes he fights dragons, and wolves as well,/ sometimes with wild men who dwelt among the crags,/ Both with bulls and with bears, and at other times boars,/ And ogres who chased him across high fells."

After making the local animal population plummet, because that's just how the worst knight in Arthur's court rolls, he decides, "you know, some place to stay would be cool," and prays for somewhere that wasn't freezing or the English countryside to sleep. He comes across a perfect castle, and the people inside are almost suspiciously-overjoyed to have him, plying him with curious questions and a lot of compliments. The inside is full of excellent food, a flawless bedroom, a warm fire in every fireplace, and pretty ladies just dying to spend time with a knight.

A paradise full of everything I could ever want? Seems trustworthy.

With everyone treating him like their best friend and letting him have the best food, clothes, and place to sleep, Gawain naturally starts to feel pretty at home after a few days. The cherry on top is that every day he stays, the lord of the castle goes out hunting and says that whatever he catches is Gawain's, so long as the knight gives him any mishap he may suffer during his stay. Nothing bad ever happens there, so it seems a nice trade, although any time Gawain tries to leave the castle, the lord gets him to stay longer, even saying that his wife (whom he thinks is damn fine) can be his companion while he's out.

Part 3. The lord of the castle gets his hunting party up nice and early, and his wife goes immediately to Gawain's bedroom and traps him in bed so they can... talk. If there's one thing Sir Gawain is good at it's talking like an A-Class Victorian poet, so they talk and they enjoy it. If there's ever any temptation to go further, the idea of him dying soon puts a damper on things, but he still earns himself a smooch at some point. At the end of the day, the lord of the castle caught so many animals that the "number he killed by the time the day ended of does and other deer would be hard to imagine". He gets the fattest ones for his trade with Gawain, and gets the kiss he got on the head in return. The rest of the night is spent, predictably, partying like only people without proper plumbing know how.

Like this, but with plague.

The next day is pretty much the same; the king decides to halve the number of boars in the area and Gawain gets two kisses from the lord's wife who may or may not be trying to get him to joust with her, if you know what I mean. The guys exchange their stuff, much slovenly feasting happens. It's when the lord brings up doing it again tomorrow, on New Year's Eve, that Gawain backs the hell up for a second and realizes, "Oh shit, I've been here for how long?!" Lord of the castle is all, "Chill, bro; that chapel's pretty close. Even if you stay another night, you should make it there on New Year's before nine. It's all good. Have some more booze and boar." So he does and they party all night again.

Third day the lord goes out hunting, he seems to realize that he's killed pretty much every meaty animal in the woods, so he goes after a fox, instead.

Widely-known for being inedible.

Meanwhile, in Gawain's bedroom, the lady pulls out all the stops so that "seeing her so radiant and attractively dressed, every part of her so perfect, and in color so fine, hot passionate feeling welled up in his heart" and she "pushed him so close to the verge, that he must either take her love there and then or churlishly reject it". Basically, she gave him one hell of a boner. Gawain's a knight of virtue and honor, however, so even though he's going to die tomorrow he declines, despite her acting somewhat hurt about it. Having to return anything he gets to the lord of the castle may have dissuaded him, too, even if it means having a really bad case of blue balls.

"I know this is painful for you, m'lady, but weEEOOOHGOOOD--"

She offers him her ring, instead, but he says that he will not accept any gifts from her today, which may have been a subtle way to asking her to get out of his bedroom, but she gets him to take the green silk belt/girdle/sash she was wearing by saying  that anyone wearing it can't be killed. He thinks using it would be a super idea, and he accepts three kisses from her before partying harder than ever among all of the court ladies and generally making a very eloquent frat boy out of himself in the giddiness of realizing he doesn't have to die.

The lord comes back that night and presents the fox pelt, and Gawain gives him the three kisses. The lord jokes that he must have one hell of a way with the ladies. They party the night away, and he gets directions to the Green Chapel before heading out on New Year's Day to tears and laments from the castle court.

Part 4. Gawain didn't sleep a whole lot, since as the ale dissipated he seems to have realized that he's betting his life on a slut's belt being magic. The lord tries to get him to stay again, but Gawain is determined to not be called a coward, because that was a big thing back then. He finds the dilapidated piece of crap that they call a chapel and the Green Knight waiting for him with a brand new axe ready for slicing. Gawain says he won't hold a grudge for any hurt that happens and prepares to be beheaded, but the knight stops at the last second and pretty much pulls a "two for flinching", because he does it again a second time just to fuck with him.

He then tore apart Gringolet's engine and had him running at twice the efficiency.

 Third time's a charm and the knight cuts off Gawain's head, but it doesn't hurt much because the belt really is magic, and he jams his head back on his body after. The knight says he knows that he's wearing the magic belt, because the belt belongs to him, and knew where the kisses came from and that his wife was trying to get Gawain's smaller knight because he's the lord of the castle and he arranged it all.

I call him Sir Stiffy the Stoic.

He said the idea was to test him, and dishonestly using magic to keep himself alive was the only time he fell short, ignoring the fact that the lord did it first and that it doesn't break any rules. Gawain feels a hefty bout of shame, saying that he acted contrary to his nature, and that now he is false and untrustworthy. The knight says no, because he confessed completely, and gives the belt to him as a gift, then says that they can go and reconcile with his wife.

Gawain makes a point to say no, and that he wants to avoid her and all of the ladies that "have so cleverly deluded their knight with their game", and goes off on a tangent about people being brought to grief through womanly wiles. Prepare yourself, because this part turns the story into a sexist dude story on Reddit.

Shit like this is why we have to deal with shit like that.

He says "For so was Adam was beguiled by one, here on earth, Solomon by several women, and Samson by another -- Delilah was cause of his fate -- and afterwards David was deluded by Bathsheba, and suffered much grief. Since these were ruined by their wiles, it would be a great gain to love women and not trust them, if a man knew how. For these were the noblest of old, whom fortune favored above all others on earth, or who dwelt under heaven. Beguiled were they all by women they thought kind. Since I too have been tricked then I should pardon find." The then accepts the gift of the belt to forever remind him to not fuck up again.

The knight confesses that he's actually Bertilak of Hautdesert who was taught magic by Morgan le Fay (Morgan the goddess) and that she sent him to Arthur's court to test their pride and reputation, and "drive you demented with this marvel", thus completing the scene and wrapping up why each guy did what he did. They bro hug and he says he's always welcome at his castle because everyone likes him. Gawain ties the belt on his arm to show he's been dishonored by a slip, goes home to tell the story, and they all live happily ever after. That's actually how it ends, making it a story that wouldn't be out of place of /adv/.

"Hi, guys. I ran into a girl today and she was totally being a whore, so I put that bitch in her place and called her all sorts of names. Serves her right for being a skank. Can I get a hoorah right here?" Captcha and... submit.

The Moral/Lesson:

Bitches and whores. Never trust women.



If you want to read this wonder of humor, you can find it here in this handy .pdf file.